I’m a #Virgo so this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone but I once broke up with a guy over a sandwich.

This may sound extra to anyone other than a Taurus but I was wholly justified.

It was a bad day.

I was busy packing my bags for a trip I did not want to take when this guy calls me and says he’d like to come over.

Knowing that “coming over” translates directly into “I’d like to fuck” I told him I was busy and sex wasn’t going to happen.

He assured me that his intentions were non carnal in nature. “Oh no! I just haven’t seen you in a while and I thought it would be nice to visit.”

This was during a time when I was giving all sorts of people the benefit of the doubt.

I said come through.

He arrives later than he said he would and asks for a glass of water. That’s when I see the sandwich in his hand. Strike 1

Did you stop on your way over and get something to eat? I ask, with a loose grip on my pearls

Yeah! He responds with a smile. Strike 2

Oh. I say in Black.

He doesn’t catch the hint. Strike 3 Instead he starts walking towards my room to eat his sandwich while I went to get the glass of water.

Strike 4 I was busy! How you gonna come to my house and ask me to serve you? You know where the fucking kitchen lives.

I hand him the water and kick him out of my room by saying there’s no eating in my room.

I didn’t matter that two nights before we were in there sucking the marrow off of chicken bones. I was fucklessly lying. He showed up at my house with one sandwich.

For himself!!!

I should have kicked him out then but I was hyper focused on packing and still deeply steeped in social niceties that I told myself I would give him the boot when he finished eating his goddamn sandwich.

I would like to say that I did that but I fucked him instead.

I was making bad decisions for my pussy back then. That’s why my labia locked up on me for about two years. I totally deserved it when it started going full Gandalf all

I was making some questionable choices and this was one of them.

He cried after.

This was terribly inconvenient as I was busy. But here I was doing aftercare and getting big mad because I fucked this crystal deodorant wearing white boy and his armpit stench was slowly sinking into my pillows.

I added laundry to my tight schedule.

I’m just going stop right here for a moment. I need to stop and apologize right now.

Dear Pussy,

There is a word in Japanese. It goes beyond excuse me, it goes beyond I’m sorry. It is used to express great shame. That word is Gomenasai.

It means: I’m sorry for this unexcusable ass shit I caused.

Sweet pussy of mine, gomenasai. I should not have let that single sandwich bringing, non sharing, crystal wearing motherfucker in you my pussy.

That was rude.

Once he stops crying he has another glass of water and leaves.

I go to sleep annoyed but the next day I wake up mad as fuck with pillows still smelling like hacky sacks.

When get back from my trip he calls me trying to come over to “catch up” aka trying to fuck.

Me: No.
Him: Is everything okay?
Me: No.
Him: (engage maximum Bay Area I’m listening and open to discourse mode) What’s up?
Me:You didn’t share your sandwich.
Him:(shooketh) I didn’t know you wanted a sandwich. You didn’t tell me you wanted one.

Me: (deflect low-level deffered blame volley)How you going to show up at somebody’s house, who you ain’t even supposed to be at in the first place, who is busy and stop and get a motherfuking sandwich and don’t pick one up for the person you want to smash. That tells me who you are right there.

I still let you hit it though and that tells me who I am. I made that decision. And I regret it. But you know that’s what happens when you don’t love yourself.

Him:(applies white boy teflon trick, nothing is absorbed) I never had it like you. I never had to learn how to share. I didn’t have any family growing up so I never learned to share cuz I was an only child. It was just me as an only child.

Me: ( falls for it even though my soul is saying um fucking kindergarten bitch) Well that makes sense kind of I guess…

Him: (waxes poetic on lonesome childhood allowing time for my incredulous mana bar to return to full health. )

Me:( wait doesn’t he have a whole fine ass Blackwoman at home? this ain’t a new concept) Nope! That doesn’t work for me. Actually the sandwich was just like the tip of the iceberg!

I then went “IN”

About a month ago. Less than 45 minutes after being inside of me. He asked me to walk him to the West Oakland BART because he felt unsafe.

Colonization and internalized racism had me out there escorting this casually microaggressive man the two fully lit blocks on a main road to BART.

I told him how fucked up this was and why.

This boy said, “Well you seem to feel safe in your neighborhood so 🤷”

I popped off.

My neighbor isn’t dangerous.

It’s Black & Brown and if it did happen to be dangerous I am more vunerable in it or any neighborhood than he was! Even if you removed the racism from this shit (which you can’t) what’s left is him feeling real danger and not giving a fuck about exposing me to that danger.

I told him we were done. Because I can’t trust him to have my six. He’s not willing to protect me or fight with or for me.

I later received a wounded missive about how he has thought about it and this is an “opportunity” for me to learn how to not be bound by traditional gender roles. According to him I was limiting the both of us in expression by being so expectant and insensitive. He has been mugged before. I was forcing masculine tropes on him and that was triggering.

I laughed so hard that I had to summon my entire soul back into my body.

I’ve been mugged too. I (ill-advisedly) angrily mouthed off with a gun pressed against my back while my boyfriend nearly pissed himself. I informed him that I don’t give a fuck about traditional gender roles. If we fucking we fighting.

That moment crystalized an intimacy standard for me.

If I’m fucking you or fucking with you I’ll fight besides you. I’ll be part of your safety and I demand that you be part of mine.

This is non-negotiable.

Only one exception to this rule.

If/When I fuck up. Then tell me and if I refuse to hear or learn let me eat the entire pavement and clown me.

I didn’t hear from him for quite some time.

It was over a year when I ran into him at a public event. He sent me a message of apology later that week stating how he reflected and grew over that time and wanted to reconnect.

But I knew that fine ass BlackWoman had juuuuuust left him and he had sent courting messages to two other fine ass fat BlackWomen who were also at the event.

So Nah.

So Yeah, I broke up with a bitch over a “sandwich”

and because mammy is dead

and I hope in 2020 you do too.

2 Comments on “Storytime: I once broke up with a guy over a sandwich

  1. When you said it would feel extra to anyone who wasn’t a Taurus I felt that because my plentiful Taurus ass understood. My husband brought home two cookies from work tonight and asked me which one I wanted because he fucking knows. If you’re going to eat food without me I better either not know about it or not want it. You did nothing wrong.

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