“Something is wrong
I feel like something is wrong.”
This is the first thing my soul whispered upon waking and instead of being upset by it I was relieved.
I have been waiting on this feeling for a while now. I’ve “known” that something has been wrong for months. I even know where it comes from but the events that lead to that knowledge were so triggering that I went numb.
This numbness was my mind’s way of protecting me from the reality of years of physical and emotional abuse. The forgetfulness, the disassociation all engaged to hold me together.
I’ve spent the past few months in a bit of a daze thumping my heart and screaming “Work! Why aren’t you working?! I’m strong enough to carry this now, the memories won’t kill me, I want to know the truth!”
I did divinations
I lit candles
I took baths
But the divinations said Isa Ice Snow
The candles burned black
The baths offered no relief
So I had to wait and be still in this. I had to surrender to winter.
But this morning, this the first day of Black (Future) History Month and Imbolc I felt something.
Like the flowers pushing up from the snow. Now that I can feel it. Really feel it, I can do something about it. I can touch it and hold it and eventually let it go.
It makes sense.
These last few months were the descent into the darkness. The journey within to see what does and does not serve us. Now it is time to act upon these things, clear the way for spring.
Here is my hope for us and for myself on this day
As we, like seeds
Break through our skin to become something beyond even our own understanding
May we be comforted in our discomfort by the knowing that this is a temporary thing, a turning of the Wheel
May we have the courage to let go of the false familiarity to grow into the authenticity of ourselves
May we compassionately forgive ourselves each step backwards with as much fervor as we celebrate each step forwards
May we have clarity as we create this Next World and find our places in it.