Writings

A Living Collection of Spells, Manifestos, Realizations & Fuck Ups

I am like my hair

I was taught that no one can be gentle with me because I am some thing that is difficult to deal with.
Something so dark and tightly wound, something so coarse it requires refinement or a cure.

39

almost didn’t make it twice this year Every month something wild AF has happened. I had childhood abusive situations confirmed, almost died twice, lost my home and my business, ended longstanding relationships with people I shared love with and started the process of changing my name. This birthday is a 1st for me in many ways. Namely in how I seek to celebrate it. … Read More 39

Just hold my hand

I deal with a lot of my shit through writing. Lately the things that have been coming out have been hard to re-read. I’m reminded by every breath that I am still so severely compromised and that it is going to take anywhere from 6 months to two years to recover. The most terrifying thing was being alone. I knew it was for everyone’s … Read More Just hold my hand

Being Black: Vetting Spaces

I once sat down with a white woman I had offended by telling her to stand down on attacking a Black woman on my page. It was over a protest situation.That asshat had just been elected and a bunch of white people organized some hand holding event with onsite therapists at Grand Lake. At first I was like this is great but quickly realized … Read More Being Black: Vetting Spaces

Wall?

TW: dream contains knife violence Everyone has a wall.We shouldn’t even know where that is but not only am I familiar with every nook and cranny of this wall Ive scrapping my skin off by bashing into it repeatedly.And nowNow I’ve burst through it like the goddamn kool-aid man. Last night as I lay there throat burning and stomach hurting, chest closing I thought … Read More Wall?

Thoughts on almost dying…again

I’m currently sleeping with a teddy bear that isn’t minewith a stuffed camel and a zebra in a blanket nest I construct every night I wake up in dark and fumble for the oximeterstumble a finger into it and press a buttonthese numbers mean the difference between falling asleep or sitting awake just so I can remember to remember to breathe Mornings are the … Read More Thoughts on almost dying…again

Vulgar

Joyce Lee noticed that I hide my face when people talk about sex so she gave me Vulgar as a prompt. TW: It is fucking vulgar. Seriously if you’re related to me here is your invitation to not continue 🤷🏿 🤷🏿 🤷🏿 🤷🏿 🤷🏿 🤷🏿 🤷🏿 🤷🏿 😅 😅 😅 😅 😅 Vulgar I cringe to admit it but I think my Ancestors got … Read More Vulgar

I don’t have to be excellent to fucking matter

I don’t know who needs to hear this but… I’ve had #excellence shoved down my throat so deep it owes ME money. #BlackExcellence was beaten into me in an attempt to protect me from white supremacy and fuckshit. The messed up thing about this is that this kind of excellence is often informed by the anti-Blackness it was meant to keep me safe from. … Read More I don’t have to be excellent to fucking matter

My Child, Forgive me

I’m consciously letting this storm catch me. Everything is gravity mocking blur and I can barely see or breathe or think as things are ripped and washed away. Sometimes when I stand in the eye of this, I come face-to-face with a younger version of me. She is devastated. Joyce Lee’s prompt was forgiveness. I ask it of myself *********** My Child, Forgive Me … Read More My Child, Forgive me

O’Death

I believe You love me I have educated myself on the subject of you since this body has been made for you and I sincerely believe that You love me one day one day I’m gonna rise up singing I’ll fly away, in the morning to lay my burden down by Your river I’ll be washed clean was the promise so I know You … Read More O’Death

Opinions Kill

o·pin·ion /əˈpinyən/noun a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge. ✨✨ Dearly Beloved, You aren’t beyond reason when fire rising in your chest burns up your throatYou aren’t out of your sanity if you bite the inside of your mouth to keep from speaking, shake your fingers to keep from typing You also aren’t wrong if you do … Read More Opinions Kill

My name is Rawiyah

Hey, My name changed. It’s not a sudden thing. This is years in coming and there are so many #reasonswhy I held on to that name this long. One of them was that I was afraid to lose the contacts and connections I had formed with it. But with all this shit going on I don’t want to wait, second guess myself or hold … Read More My name is Rawiyah

Uprising

As I feed my AncestorsWith bourbon, with food, with dance, with burnt herbs, with blood, with songs, with promises. I askI prayI plead That they hold those that are kinfolk closeProtect their lungs from gasProtect their bodies from bulletsProtect their faces from recognitionProtect their wrists from shackles May their eyes be sharp enough to see the embeddedMay their phones work, their videos load and … Read More Uprising

Before You Close Your Eyes Tonight: a love letter to Black and Brown Peoples

Dearly Beloved, Before you close your eyes tonight remember that you are magnificence whether you are in motion or not you are not outside of your sanity you are most definitely under attack from within and without and while there is medicine in this shadow there is also horror in knowing which way the wind blows I am so sorry I am sorry for … Read More Before You Close Your Eyes Tonight: a love letter to Black and Brown Peoples

Prayer for the Caretakers

Empaths | Caretakes | Therapists | Social Workers, You are a lighthouse in a storm people are being drawn to you. It is so important that you take care of yourself right now. It is so important that you meditate, scream, cry, shake as much as possible. Take baths Punch pillows Dance into a frenzy Sleep Hydrate Eat Be consciously aware that you are … Read More Prayer for the Caretakers

Imbolc

“Something is wrongI feel like something is wrong.” This is the first thing my soul whispered upon waking and instead of being upset by it I was relieved. I have been waiting on this feeling for a while now. I’ve “known” that something has been wrong for months. I even know where it comes from but the events that lead to that knowledge were … Read More Imbolc

A Fight Worth Having

About two months ago while fitfully falling asleep next to my partner they asked me what I needed. I legit responded in earnest and pitiful tones with the words “A fight.” I thought it was a temporary thing but as I come closer and closer to Initiation into the tradition I’ve been studying I’ve become edgy. It seems I’ve arrived at that curious place … Read More A Fight Worth Having

For your breaking heart

Dearly Beloved, The Kindred Black and Brown, Blessed Trans & Sacred Queers I am sorry for your breaking hearts Our breaking hearts My breaking heart I am sorry that we continue to witness those who say they are allied to us give in to their privilege repeatedly that you are watching them say things like this is the last one or I’m going for … Read More For your breaking heart

Stories

Stories📖 I surround myself with them I’m obsessed with them I’m a collector of them I’m a collection of them I am my mother’s story and her mother’s story before her and her mother’s story before her. I’m filled with the treasures and the traps of all these elevated and exiled Ancestors in one hand and me in the other. I tried carrying both … Read More Stories

Solstice Prayer

Normally I share the story of the Goddess of Joy on this day but not this time. This season has been so fucking hard and that’s my own fault. I made an ask to the God of Death when the veil was thin and He drank of the holy offering and delivered. When I asked for freedom from scarcity I thought it was a … Read More Solstice Prayer

The Apple Bites Back: The Road to Initiation

If you’ve ever been to one of my classes or workshops I begin it with a warning. This is why. Five years ago today I came into my Teacher’s home for the first time as a student. I had met them before in passing, in community, in a particularly hilarious foretelling photoshoot. I’m not sure what I expected in that moment. All I knew … Read More The Apple Bites Back: The Road to Initiation

A Post Samhain Post

We sometimes joke that our full title is Femme Mountain: Books, Bones, Sticks & Stones Our home has been furnished through estate sales, things passed on to us by elders and our own Dead. The art and photos have their own stories, spells and history. We are surrounded by altars of our own making. They move, the house moves, there is often the sound … Read More A Post Samhain Post

In The Face of Fear: Ancestors

During my #InTheFaceOfFear workshop one of the suggestions I offer is working with your Ancestors. My Ancestor practice had been dismal until 5 years ago and I am still very much growing into it and with it. This can be a hard thing to do. Some of us are cut off from our Ancestors. Genocide, the erasure effects of white supremacy, internal family violence/rejection/ … Read More In The Face of Fear: Ancestors

Oregon Day 2: Digging The Hole

The waves were glowing in the dark as they broke across the sands My bare feet followed the path through the rustling grass. It grew higher with every step. Pulling at the hem of my dress Aren’t you afraid A voice said Yes. Aren’t you going to turn away A voice said No. There was cacophony between my ears. As loud as it was … Read More Oregon Day 2: Digging The Hole

Oregon Day 1

So… Slowing down has made me realize how deeply exhausted and deeply fucked I am right now I’ve been moving big energy for people I’ve been making big asks for other people’s benefit I haven’t factored myself into the equation (again) I’ve got two days here and then it back to the grind. I’m lucky to have this. I want to focus on the … Read More Oregon Day 1

How are you?

We were outside of a theater when it happened. “How are you?” popped out of my mouth. It’s a common courtesy. Something we say without thinking and to be honest often without feeling. When they asked “Can I be honest with you?” I looked them directly in their eyes and gave my consent for an authentic exchange. They weren’t okay. The information they trusted … Read More How are you?

If you’re making fun of people dealing with PG&E Power shut offs right now you deserve to feel every carpal & metacarpal of a cosmic bitch slap

https://www.sfchronicle.com/bayarea/article/PG-E-shutoff-Your-food-is-spoiled-business-shut-14502325.php The answer is no. PG&E will not remiburse one damn dime. There are people laughing at this situation or saying others are soooooo delicate But some people in rural areas where these cut offs are happening don’t even have access to water because the pump houses are on electric. If we didn’t have a hot tub I wouldn’t have been able to flush … Read More If you’re making fun of people dealing with PG&E Power shut offs right now you deserve to feel every carpal & metacarpal of a cosmic bitch slap

No

I remember saying “No” The way it rolled off my lips with the same ease as goodmorning or goodnight The laughter that announced its arrival and filled the silence in its wake I remember how clean it was No regrets No taint of “with exception” or “I’ll consider if you would only… ” My No was softness around me Something warm with muscles running … Read More No

Black Hair Magic

This is why I will bite you if you ask to touch my hair. In addition to slave days being over In addition to the fact that wearing my hair in “natural” styles or approximations of natural styles is still grounds for unemployment in many states In addition to power imbalance, exoticism etc. It’s become a part of my magic. The hair gets a … Read More Black Hair Magic

Day 2: Beware the Break (Implementing Balance)

The first part of this working is not launching an all out attackThe first part is an assessment of my physical and metaphysical arsenalYou don’t pop off without knowing how many bullets are in your gun Today it was hard to focus What is happening here is not just happening here. It is happening all over the world. In China right now Muslim children … Read More Day 2: Beware the Break (Implementing Balance)

Resistance Work Day 1 of 30

I am sharing my process for this 30 day intentional working.I have never done this before. I am no expert. I am hella winging it.My intention in sharing this is providing a framework for myself and others who feel called do this type of resistance magic from as resourced a space as possible. I invite discourse and suggestion and if it feels right taking … Read More Resistance Work Day 1 of 30

The Call

I’ve woken myself up crying for the past few weeks. It lasts for a few minutes then stops. I just blamed it on Cancer season Today it took longer and I asked the tears: What The Fuck?!?! The tears responded You must do a working Me: On what? Tears: On these camps. Me: Okay I do one tonight. Tears: No. You do one for … Read More The Call

No Apologies

I told my partner last night that I wanted to post this picture but I was waiting for the right words.They asked me why I don’t post it without them.I clutched my pearls.My words would have been a way to distract from, explain away or justify my body.Thank you Laydee Kaye Photography for this image that reminds me of my sovereignty and my sacredness.Thank … Read More No Apologies

That shit’s expensive

There are days I can’t get out it bed I can’t eat I eat too much Where I count the scratches on my skin There are nights I can’t sleep I wake up gasping for air and my heart beating out of control I claw my shoulders and arms in my sleep There are places I can not go because I see it for … Read More That shit’s expensive

The Medusa

The first time I saw Queerest of the Gods I was left undone. Here were stories of Deity that felt like accessible reflections. Ten years later I had the honor of participating in the event that touched me so deeply. I knew I did not want to represent something linked to the Greek/Roman pantheon. In the ten years since my first QotG I had … Read More The Medusa

cup of tea

Often,when it rains my knee aches It didn’t used to I fell. I came to work the next day limping, in a wrist brace with dark circles under my eyes must have looked like I was punched in the face one of the legal assistants leaned over my desk and whispered what happened? I said that my current boyfriend had pushed me down the … Read More cup of tea

How not to be a Social Worker

It’s been awhile since I’ve been to the doctor. I was emotionally ready for a fight but it a surprising experience. My doctor was a Black woman who believed I knew my body best. She ordered every test requested and made amazing suggestions. My weight was never a thing until I brought it up and even then she followed my lead on how I … Read More How not to be a Social Worker

Comfort

I stay telling my clients that they don’t have to live in discomfort. I’m so fucking #teamvirgo because I also stay being do as I say not as I do. From 5 to 17 I lived in saddle oxfords and uniforms. By 18 I was buying my own clothing and shoes so that meant thrift stores, clothing shops and if I needed something new … Read More Comfort

Issa Trap!

Beloved, Your humanity will cause you to look for the humanity in people who (aware or unaware) do not see you as human. It’s a trap! Through religion, mass media, weaponized desirability politics, the educational system, scarcity syndrome and the necessity of survival we were groomed. Groomed to participate in perpetuating a system that profits from the labor of our creativity and magic but … Read More Issa Trap!

A Dear John Letter

I’m watching the clock tick down I’m feeling the passage of time as this current year rakes the last of her minutes down my spine. She’s death She’s all sweetness She’s asking what I want to give her She’s asking what I want her to take with her Tonight I am giving her you. You were all that I had ever known.  For years … Read More A Dear John Letter

What to do when a Big Name Pagan Throws at You

and several other POC Witches in the process A few weeks ago Orion Foxwood wrote the following That Fam is a curse.It looks like love but don’t be fooled, that is a fucking throw. This is a throw against People of Color taking a stand against appropriation, white supremacy and general caucasity.This is an empowerment to these MWGA asshats out here getting angry because … Read More What to do when a Big Name Pagan Throws at You

Social Gaslighting & The MWGA: A Love Letter To QTPOC Witches

Dearly Beloved, I see you as I see myselfIn this place of unutterable confusion I feel you as I feel myselfTeeth barred with an open and breaking heart I hear you as I hear myselfScreaming with an aching throat against those that actively silence your call for safety within your own spiritual communities I write this to youAs I write it to myselfAs I … Read More Social Gaslighting & The MWGA: A Love Letter To QTPOC Witches

Wednesday

There is a bunch of shit going on outside of my window right now. My name is in the mouth of some racist ass pagans right now. They are so angry. Because I said everything ain’t for you white boy Because I’m part of a group of people who aren’t here for it or here for supporting the voices of appropriators and abusers within … Read More Wednesday

The Journey Home or how I learned to love myself via public transit

I’m a sado-masochist with a thing for aversion therapy but even I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t grow up here. I hadn’t cultivated the specific boundaries necessary to navigate the tunnels above and underground. I don’t know if it’s my fatness or my blackness or some combination but people will stand rather than sit next to me. I can sense their revulsion. I … Read More The Journey Home or how I learned to love myself via public transit

Blacklove: Hurr

This moment. I just want to live in this moment. Sitting on the floor of my Spiritual Mother’s home between the legs of this magnificent human being that I love while they oil, part and cornrow my hair. They know the history in this hair They know being yanked around by mothers on Sundays They know the sound of grease and heat They know … Read More Blacklove: Hurr

A violent love

Had a friend A gay man of color who came from a middle class family, made good money. When Trump was elected he told me I was being silly for my fears He told me I was being over-emotional, the things I and other people were saying were not going to happen. I’m horrified that we Those who took to the streets Those who … Read More A violent love

Mothering self

A few months ago I yelled at my birth mother. Not raise my voice yelling Lost my shit yelling We’re Black and Southern and raised in the church and debutantes. We don’t yell We’ll Jenifer Jeanette Lewis each other to death but we don’t do yelling I remember being simultaneously horrified and relieved. We said some pretty rancid and in hindsight hilarious things to … Read More Mothering self

Tasting the sun

TW: Eating disorder * * * * * * * * * * I live with an eating disorder. I don’t talk about it because I’m not sure if I can keep my slap hand off of people who will inevitably respond “oh that’s why you’re fat” Depending on the trigger I’ll either stop eating or won’t stop eating. I’m struggling right now with … Read More Tasting the sun

Re:Smell

I can’t smell It’s fucked up but I’m like that dog in “Lady and the Tramp”. Flowers and farts go unnoticed but I can smell important things Not that flowers and farts aren’t necessarily important… I can smell the dead I can smell how they died or lived I can smell when I need to stay somewhere or leave I can smell connection I’ve … Read More Re:Smell

Dear Aretha

I was raised in your voice Precious Lord on the ride to church while I tugged at itchy crinoline and tried not to mess the perfect plaits my mother made Feet swinging off the floor in spinning salon chairs while Ms Reed scratched out my scalp… humming Until You Come Back to Me right into my head We thought we were so cute so … Read More Dear Aretha

I don’t usually hire fat chicks but…

A while ago a producer said my voice inspired him to create a show. He said it was going to be a jazz show ,live music was going to be a focus. I noted that his main singer, main musicians, main performers were white and slender. I’ve only performed there once. Since then he’s said he wanted me back but money… then he’ll turn … Read More I don’t usually hire fat chicks but…

Proud

While looking for photos to send as a headshot for a panel I tripped across this one. I think this is from my first photoshoot with Ryan Donahoo. It was the first time that I felt so effortlessly glamorous, interesting and unique. I’ve had great photoshoots before but I have always been aware of the camera and no matter how confident I appeared on … Read More Proud

Letting Go

  It took me years to process my abuser I was told that I needed to learn to “just let it go”. I find the idea of “just letting go” to be inadequate and lacking in compassion. I knew letting it go was the polite thing to do but I left that kind of politness behind on the bathroom floor with the hair I … Read More Letting Go

Storytime: Solstice

Every year in ritual I retell this story.  I also tell it before my Bawdy Divine Workshop. It’s part of my glitter magic and as we descend into the darkest night in what seems the darkest year I cast it out again into the world as a way to reel in the light.   The story goes that Amaterasu Omikami the Sun Goddess was … Read More Storytime: Solstice

A Letter to My Dear and Future Lover 

 (Trigger warning: sexual abuse/violence/racism) * * * This is why I’ll always flinch when you touch me. Because at 13 in a crowded wave pool on a sunny southern Sunday I had to choose between drowning and biting my tongue when he slipped a hand under my bathing suit and forced two fingers inside of my body.  Because at 15 he sold me for … Read More A Letter to My Dear and Future Lover 

You’re normal #nationalcomingoutday

The first thing my mother said to me when she called me during my staycation at one of Colorado Springs more middle of the road mental institutions was I love you and you’re normal. You’re normal Irene. I love you and god loves you too. You’re normal sweetie. It’s just a phase. Everyone goes through it. You will make it through it. You’re normal … Read More You’re normal #nationalcomingoutday

Hair

  This is me at 17.   I am the epitome of Black Woman of the future in this photo.   I am about to debut into society under the vigilant eye of the Delta Sigma Theta Sorority. I am a Senior at Xavier University Preparatory School, National Honor Society Member, Top 10 in the class of 1999, twice published writer, classically trained award … Read More Hair

The Rules Have(n’t) Changed

You only have so many character points And you can’t go up every talent tree at once When the nurse gave me the results of my MRI I was relived. It was so visceral that my legs got weak and my skin flushed. I had her repeat it just to be sure. “No changes.” Since it had been so long without changes it was … Read More The Rules Have(n’t) Changed

It’s Okay….

It is the second time I hyperventilated that day. The first is when I am informed of the $750.00 copay. “Are you okay?” He asks looking down at me with concern after extracting me from the tube. “Jesus Christ you guys. You saw my medical records. It says I’m fat. Why did yall schedule me for this tiny ass machine” Both technicians visibly blanch … Read More It’s Okay….

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