TW: ED *
The insomnia is getting intense.
I'm trying to unpack past and complex fuckery without leaning into the ED that manifested from these damn past and complex fuckeries. That's way easier to do when I'm rested.
Navigating this world as a Fat Black Femme and someone who has lived in several abusive situations has me out here feeling like I have very little control over anything. I've used restriction as a way to experience control.
I've also used restriction as a way to punish myself for the societal and self-imposed, often inaccurate assessment of being simultaneously not enough or too much.
I've even used restriction to prove to myself that I do indeed have discipline.
When I'm rested I can deal better with being constantly triggered by a fucking sandwich or a certain smell, a song, a friend phoning that I haven't heard from in years.
But the past few nights... I'm waking up into panic attacks.
I'm suffocating into my CPAP and sitting up so fast that I pull it off the nightstand.
I'm shaking and clawing to get a grip. I try to do some kind of gentle check in
How are you feeling?
What are you feeling?
What do you need?
It's going to be okay.
Don't feel bad for falling apart.
I'm going to be okay.
Sometimes it's enough and I'm able to fall back to sleep but tonight I'm just waiting for people to start moving around the house
for the smell of coffee and the sound of car doors opening and closing outside my window
for the sun to rise so I can feel okay
This anxiety and insomnia is frustrating.
I need my brain meat functional because it's tricky navigating an undiagnosed ED professionally unassisted while on insulin. I think I'm doing fine but then I'll get shaky, my words will slur and my heart will race, I'll start to sweat and a test will point out that my BG is too low. I'm still not eating enough.
A few days ago I dipped to 60.
Lower than that and I could pass out and fall on my face. On👏🏿My👏🏿 Faaaaace👏🏿 I totes like my face and myself way too much for that to be an option.
It's been a fucking balancing act
on a track that has been forgotten and abandoned
I wish I had some profound thing to say or some solution to offer even to myself but I don't have it
To be honest SIP is all happening in the background. The inequalities "exposed" by this are not a surprise for marginalized peoples. Neither is the reaction of merely inconvenienced white people who are so invested in the illusion of individuality that they are willing to actively endanger us and their own families.
While it isn't a surprise it is violently destabilizing add to that the brush with death, the ED, the ending of several deep relationships, the enforcing of spiritual, physical and emotional boundaries and grief.
So much grief and deep deep rage.
Finding balance and stillness in this place is a challenge and I don't have a plan or a prescription.
Just one foot in front of the other.
Each day, each hour, each minute.
As I journey back to all these forgotten places to gather the abandoned peices of my self
To love them in ways they were denied by society, family and even me
Because I'm going to need all of me to survive this. *👗& 😷by @berthapearlsizequeen
*📸 by @randompuffnstuff