There are people laughing at this situation or saying others are soooooo delicate
But some people in rural areas where these cut offs are happening don’t even have access to water because the pump houses are on electric.
If we didn’t have a hot tub I wouldn’t have been able to flush the toilet. I’m able bodied so I was able to carry water up and down the stairs. I should have filled the bath tub with water but I didn’t think it through.
I’m not complaining.
I just think it’s insane that a luxury item saved my ass. A luxury item not many people have.
I’m lucky my FemmeMountain Family lived somewhere that losses power in the winter before so they knew what to do and I just rolled with it.
But what if.
What if we didn’t have a generator
What if most of us weren’t able bodied
What if we didn’t have a community with means to tap into
What if we didn’t have enough money in the account to buy a tank of gas the day before or some food items that don’t need to be cold.
What if we were dependent on a local 9 to 5 to pay the bills
What if we were older with no immediate family in the area
What if a fire happened anyway and we couldn’t get down the stairs and our car out of the garage because we don’t have the ability to stand to pull the lever on the manual release.
I had a rager of a headache yesterday all day because I couldn’t get good sleep on my CPAP…and maybe the mushrooms, but mostly the CPAP!
I didn’t want to chance the generator going out in the night because I’ll suffocate before I wake up and it’s terrifying to have that happen.
I have the privilege of being able to get to the Berkeley flats
I have the privilege of being able to have my choice of places to stay due to a queer love fueled network
I don’t have a headache today.
My worry is so trival compared to so many still without power.
They can’t work
Their food has spoiled
They can’t breathe
Some are trapped in their homes
Some have no water
And PG&E as of last fucking night refused to comment on wether all the money that went to maintenance actually went to maintenance last year or this year.
In a press conference they said it wasn’t their concern. Blame the environment and not our shitty equipment that has been in neglect for years and years.
I’d rather not see another devastating fire and this will have devastating effects for people to. For the most vulnerable of us.
Meanwhile Sacramento is on it’s own grid like LOL y’all totes should have invested in local county run power companies. This could have been you ⚡💡⚡but y’all gave into the monopoly.
Even writing about an energy shut down as an extreme situation is hella 1st world because there are places that don’t even haaaaave access 24/7
We ain’t ready.
Here’s a community link if you need or can offer assistance.
The way it rolled off my lips with the same ease as goodmorning or goodnight
The laughter that announced its arrival and filled the silence in its wake
I remember how clean it was
No regrets
No taint of “with exception” or “I’ll consider if you would only… ”
My No was softness around me
Something warm with muscles running beneath the tuft coat of a cat like beast
It coiled around my feet
licked my calves
A gentle thing to me but terrifying to others
Untethered
Unleashed
I remember how I wielded it, fed it, loved it with an unconscious ease before I was told to chain it, hide it, deny it valuable resources so others could love me
No one has ever loved me in the particular way my No once had.
I’m remembering her as I cry over her starved and shrunken frame
As I brush her coat, give her my tears to drink and my rage to eat
I tend her the way she tended me as a child. I pull her into my heart and beg her forgiveness.
Remind her how we were once like Calvin and Hobbes
Changing worlds, bending possibility, clearing roads
Expansive… I remember her as she buries her face into my hair with relief
Grown now as I am
I remember the child this beast once guarded
I remember how precious we were to each other
I remember
And I welcome both back home.
#no
#witchshit
#leavingandreturning
Art Credit: Simba Wa Kike – Jennalee Auclair
This is why I will bite you if you ask to touch my hair.
In addition to slave days being over
In addition to the fact that wearing my hair in “natural” styles or approximations of natural styles is still grounds for unemployment in many states
In addition to power imbalance, exoticism etc.
It’s become a part of my magic.
The hair gets a smokebath and the filigrees get popped in the cauldron for a blessing.
When I put it in I watch my favorite movies or listen to my bawse bitch playlist. I eat smoked salmon and cheese and fruit.
I take a shot of whiskey
I sing and make plans with my ancestors.
I thank them for all their blessings, for all their love, for their eyes and teeth.
My hair becomes an altar cloth of me.
Even the color is rooted in some work I am doing.
This hair protects because it absorbs. Sometimes I have to take it out even if it still looks good because it starts to hurt and ache.
It tells me it’s done.
Taking it down is a silly process.
Sometimes I thank it
Sometimes I face a mirror and I scream
cut it out like mourning, like rage
like I can’t get it out fast enough.
get it out the house quick.
A bath follows:
submerge self in a sacred tea
allow the self silence
sleep in white.
I wake and it starts anew.
Some of the most powerful rituals I’ve created are based on things I already do. I’m getting ready to teach a class on this kind of crafting in soon 🖤
WARNING: Do not proceed without taking your blood pressure medicine and/ or a bucket of popcorn. I’ll wait.
*
*
*
At the zenith of Beyonce Season in the year 2019 I received the following missive:
Dear Irene,
As Glenn’s daughter, I am working more directly in the programming area this year. I wanted to reach out even though I know you have clearly stated you are boycotting PantheaCon. I want to respect that, and your opinions and experiences. I’m not writing to change your mind, but to seek to open my mind and better understand. I know you have contributed in many ways over the years, and it’s been an accumulation of events that have brought this to this point.
Because I am stepping into more leadership here, I am interested in learning more about how to better open the event to you and those who have had to deal with many levels of aggression and difficulties in simply being there. I’m sorry that there has been hurt and pain while you have brought and shared your talents and expressions being here. I’m sorry that I have not had the knowledge of what you’ve experienced.
If this is something you might be willing to share, I’m here to try to do better, and to listen.
If there are ideas on how we might be of better service to you and your groups, I want to do what we can to make improvements.
Consider this an olive branch and that your opinion matters here.
You have an open invitation to participate as you see best, any time, in any capacity as you chose.
And, if you choose to not respond, or spend any further time or energy on this, I understand and respect that.
I wish you all the best – humbly yours,
Holly Turner
First of all:
Fam,
I know this looks like a completely viable reach out but let me remind you that shit hit the fan from November of 2018 and continued smacking against it until February of 2019
I had to be escorted to and from my sessions.
I had to be escorted to the classes I went there to teach, the performances I did with the art I created in conjunction with Gods for fucking free.
Wait.
Correction.
I paid to be there.
I paid to be in danger. To deliver these workings directly in harms way. While Pantheacon remained silent on the whole ordeal some of the staff and volunteers held me down with much love that I knew I was not the one divorced from reality in this situation.
I know that people were telling Glenn everything that was going on… ya’ll extending olive branches now?
And before one of y’all pop off with: “Life happened to these people.”
Let me let you know LIFE HAPPENED TO MY ASS TOO!!! So often people living under systems of oppression are asked to be considerate regarding what their oppressors are going through and be gentle, loving and shit to the very people that fucked them over. I mean…
I just got my mind/spirit unfucked by the drama when this letter found it’s way into my inbox. I had shit to do. I had to take an entire pause in my work because I realized I could not complete my liberation spell craft until I pulled myself together. I thought I was done.
There were moments when I went back and forth about if I was going to respond, how I was going to respond, what the hell am I going to say. Anything I gave them would hurt me and would be a gift to them. Also there are those on staff and the volunteer team that are SO FUCKING GLORIOUS TO BEHOLD
Fam the internal struggle!!!!
I’ll admit it.
I was hella on Pantheacon’s proverbial dick. They are a huge part of the witch I am today. I high-key became this witch so I could give back to this community. What can I say…
Tho truth be told
I mean hoooooow many of us sat in a class on some melanated subject being taught from an anthropological Cis-Het-white view point that was as dry as the season-less award-winning chicken Oprah was trying not to spit out on camera in-front of the whole damn world. Lots of us were confused but still adhering to social constructs that demanded we not be rude so we stayed even though our souls were like
How many of us cried in our rooms/suites and homes after having to put up with the same casual ass racist or trans-phobic shit every single year! From people who consider themselves to be enlightened, engaged, connected, rooted, open. WE PAID MONEY WE DID NOT HAVE FOR THIS!?!?!
Legit, if I hear one more white witch telling me they understand me because the burning times affected them all I’ll…
In the end tho I did respond.
Holly,
I am responding to this message only because I do not want the narrative to read
We reached out
We tried all we could
But they could not reach back
We understand this
We understand the pain
But what more can we do then we have already done?
Be aware that it is painful to respond to you. For some reason there is no anger in my voice. There is a place beyond disappointment, a place we catch a glimpse of at the boundary of grief and rage, the space between the place where they meet.
This is where I am with Glenn and the culture the event you are holding has cultivated and encouraged.
This apology is not yours to give so I can not except it.
I will not drag myself through the emotional spiritual trauma needed to access the opinion you request.
Your olive branch is smooth to you but for me it comes with snakes, and thorns and is full of a poison you can’t even begin to understand.
Pantheacon
Your mother
You have proved that you are not ready to receive in so many ways.
*Asking me to share knowledge with you that so many Black and Brown and Trans beings have already screamed, begged and pleaded for
*Asking me now when Glenn did nothing last year, reached out in no way, expressed no concern to the people personally harmed, ignored them for the sake of those she found more value in.
*Asking me to make this offering to you
That comes at such a high price
for free
Holly how can you call yourself humble in your approach when it is filled, albeit unknowingly, with the arrogance of your privilege.
How can you make this ask when at every turn you slap us
Even in your attempt to guard us
I will GIFT you this one thing to sit with as proof of your overwhelming inability to understand.
It is more than you deserve.
The decision to have your diversity statement written and championed by what appears to be a Cis White Woman speaks volumes on how sadly limited your grasp of the magnitude of your situation is.
I and those like me do not want a seat at a table that was never meant for us
I tried to fit
I wanted to fit
It nearly ripped me apart.
I am not the only one having to heal in this way
Pantheacon is responsible
Glenn is responsible
There are consequences
This is what you are inheriting.
Lissen,
If you think this is just about something as small as Pantheacon I am both sorry for you and slightly envious of the comfort you must be experiencing in your blissful state of willful ignorance
This is about everything.
My Beloved Black Brown Queer Trans Family. You are under no obligation to teach or to hold. The information has been given, it is all around them. They will ask for it, they will demand it and you get to choose whether or not you will gift them with your precious blood and soul.
I used to do this work. I thought it was my purpose. It was my love offering to the world. I understand those that do this work. I have compassion for them. I am often using magic, touch, words, song to help them put themselves back together.
Bridges I love you
I see you
and also know that we are almost gone
We leave these houses to invest in our own
We will no longer sit at table constructed without us in mind or spirit
I love myself
I love us
more than I love this.
I love myself more than I love this shit
I love myself more than I love this shit
I love myself more than I love this shit
I don’t know what’s happening
but I can feel this shift and I’m singing into the the chasm formed by our screams
The first part of this working is not launching an all out attack The first part is an assessment of my physical and metaphysical arsenal You don’t pop off without knowing how many bullets are in your gun
Representatives of their government say that this is to help them assimilate and that there has been no evidence of these kind of actions causing any cultural harm. But we know this is a lie. Members of the United States Government dare to open their mouths to condemn these actions without addressing the harm this country is doing right now, the harm this country has historically done to Black people and Indegious people.
There is already well documented, living and breathing evidence of the effects of actual and cultural genocide. I am a survivor of these things.
The 2 of Wands learned everything she wanted to learn. She travels in a world free of injustice and asks you to assist her in ushering in the next world. Before we are teacher, starseeds and magicians; we are cultural workers living on a margin with hope and fear that feels eternal. Self sacrifice makes us magical but trauma makes us human. We deserve to engage with the endless possibilities of our gift and we deserve to take our time to heal.
The 2 of Wands is a safe threshold. She is guardian angel who asks you to discover your deepest truth and unravel your deepest wound while basking in your greatest achievement.
Christy C. Road
This draw helped me refocus and see that I am not just doing one working but creating a system for my magic. One that uses magical & emotional sacrifice, informed not only by trauma motivated by the healing of trauma, a system that supports my wounds and my wings. It’s not for one thing. It can be mutable and used for so much more in the now and future.
I feel called to reiterate that this is dangerous work
When a friend asked me how this could be dangerous work. All my exhaustion brain could come up with at first was: Think of this kind of magic as RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) instead of SSC (Safe Sane Consensual Kink)
I risk breaking myself.
Spiritually: How can there be a Divine Intelligent Force when these things continue to happen? Aren’t my prayers heard? Am I not screaming loud enough? Am I wrong in my beliefs? Is this all for naught?
Emotionally: Depression, Rage
Mentally: Anxiety, Paranoia
Physically: Continued and chronic stress leads to heart issues, high blood pressure, loss of cognitive functions, adrenal overload, insomnia etc.
I’m not saying this to say “look how brave I am for doing this” I’m saying this so I remain vigilant and continue to replace that which I put out I’m saying this in hopes that I don’t break I’m saying this in hopes that if I do I remember that I wrote this and I can go back and remind myself that this is the work and not me and to ask for help.
The first part of this working is not launching an all out attack The first part is an assessment of my physical and metaphysical arsenal You don’t pop off without knowing how many bullets are in your gun
The first part of The Covenant of Working I made for this action was intentional:
I understand that this is dangerous work I understand that I must not die for it but live for it I understand that I must take care of the vessel, mind and heart that sets upon this task
I will repeat the whole to myself twice a day before bed, upon waking but that first part is the foundation. I’ve watched too many great people, healers, comrades fall to suicide, depression, mental instability while walking the tightrope between hope and hopelssness.
Most people engaging in this kind of desperate bloody work physically and metaphysically are those who are marginalized. As a marginalized person, as a Black person, as a fat person, as a person assigned female at birth I was taught that the silent sacrifice of myself was the most noble thing I could do.
I refuse to allow my Resistance Magic to be rooted in concepts formed by colonization and patriarchy.
So today I did my assessment and created my daily rituals of self care that will sustain me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
Daily:
Exercise
Water
3 Meals
At least 15mins of Joy
At least 15mins of Meditation
At least 7hrs of sleep or down time
At least one check inwith Kith and Kin
Conversation with Ancestor/ Spirit/ Divine
Shower
This may seem like some pretty basic shit but I know I’ve gone a week without showering when I am going through it…
Today
Magical:
Created my daily ritual
Recited my Covenant
Set my Wards
Set a glass of water on a white cloth next to my bed
Ask my Guides and Elevated Ancestors for advice
Real World Action:
Sent an accountablity person my daily ritual checklist. Which I haaaaaaated to do btw
Tomorrow I’ll be breaking down the three goals of my Covenant and crafting rituals for each that take in account the moon phases and the upcoming retrograde. I’m really glad my CPAP came in. I’m going to need all the sleep I can get.
I am sharing my process for this 30 day intentional working. I have never done this before. I am no expert. I am hella winging it. My intention in sharing this is providing a framework for myself and others who feel called do this type of resistance magic from as resourced a space as possible. I invite discourse and suggestion and if it feels right taking pieces of this and making it your own.
Tarot Readings (uploading later)
to advise on whether or not I should do this working
to advise on how I should do this working
Questions to for Intention/ Clarity/ Goals
why am I doing this work
what do I fear in this work
what is false in this fear
what are my goals
who will I ask to aid me in achieving these goals
what am I willing to give personally for this goal
what offerings will I give to those who aid me in achieving these goals
how far am I willing to go for this goal
Why am I doing this work?
Because it needs to be done, people are dying, being abused, being treated as if they are less than human. Because what is happening today will cause generations of trauma. I refuse to be complicit citizen of the state.
My freedom is an illusion. As long as things like this continue to happen my freedom is an illusion and time is an hour glass.
I have no home but this. My limited traceable heritage is here. As someone whose ancestors were stolen to this land in violence my roots are connected to those whose ancestors were taken from this land by violence.
As a Black person whose Ancestors saw their children taken from them and sold I can not and will not sit silent while the same thing happens to another People
What do I fear in this work?
That I am not strong enough, disciplined enough, educated enough that the working will not be enough.
What is false in this fear?
My strength is aided by my ancestors, by the land itself, by those already casting their will towards the liberation of free peoples and the children who follow in the footsteps of their ancestors who have transversed this coast for thousands of years before the imaginary borders were drawn My discipline has been tested countless times. I have a traceable history of my ability to push through and move with My education was gifted to me by my mothers. My birth mother taught me how to pray. My spiritual mother taught me how to curse. Both have educated me thoroughly and well. What I lack will come through community, through words and workings of those far wiser than myself. I trust Spirit, I trust Tears, I trust my Rage, I trust my Heart. It is enough. If it is everything I can give without breaking myself it is enough. Every single drop of rain is responsible for the flood.
What are my goals?
The destruction of the border camps The destruction the systems that sustain them The uniting of families Reparations for these families
Who will I ask to aid me in achieving these goals?
Those whose names remain veiled Nimue the Slayer, Protectress of Children My community My Kindred
What offerings will I give to those who aid me in achieving these goals
Aside from the blood of my enemies? Feasts, acts of love and creation, blood, works of art, healing services
What am I willing to give personally for this goal?
My safety, my money, my time
How far am I willing to go for this goal?
(for my eyes only)
From the above create a contract between Deity/ Spirit/ Yourself these are your boundaries and reminders.
The Covenant of Working
I understand that this is dangerous work I understand that I must not die for it but live for it I understand that I must take care of the vessel, mind and heart that sets upon this task
Tonight, as fire lights the sky in celebration of a lie I light my own candle to combat it Tonight I call upon my Mighty Dead and My Elevated Ancestors Tonight I call upon Nimue the Slayer Protectress of Children, I call upon Justice beyond the laws this land, I call upon *
It is with an open, soft heart that I pick up my sword, my will, my call It is with tears in my eyes that I bare my teeth It is with compassion that I seek to curse those that harm, detain, kill, abuse, abduct the free peoples at the false borders.
I ask for wisdom, for guidance, for courage as I set myself to this task in both magical and mundane ways I commit to praying with my feet moving
Tonight I harness every blast to bolster the voices of those crying out from chain linked fences and battle line Tonight I harness every spark of light to reveal the ugliest and most damaging secrets of all those in power who gain from this atrocity or remain silent about it Tonight I harness every collective cry of awe from the complacent crowds and bend it to this purpose:
The complete and utter destruction of the border camps The complete and utter destruction the systems that sustain them The complete reuniting of families and reparations to these families
Hear my words Note my warrant Aid my work And for You I will dance I will create stories,songs and feasts I will lend my touch to those in need I will make love in Your names.
With money, mouth and magic directed against Tower and it’s dragon I answer the Call of Resistance! With the ordered thoughts of a mind calm and as cold as a river in winter I answer the Call of Resistance! I wield the sword. I see the field. I answer the Call of Resistance!
I’ve woken myself up crying for the past few weeks. It lasts for a few minutes then stops. I just blamed it on Cancer season
Today it took longer and I asked the tears: What The Fuck?!?!
The tears responded
You must do a working
Me: On what?
Tears: On these camps.
Me: Okay I do one tonight.
Tears: No. You do one for a month. You do one everyday, you use blood and sharp things, you write a curse. You do it out loud. You do it with Black and Brown people in person. You do this in conjunction with real world action.
Me: Okayyyyyy can we negotiate on the bl-
Radio: (Plays Formation)
Me: So that’s a no… When do I start?
Tears: Tomorrow
Me: That’s the 4th of July
Tears: That’s not a fucking coincidence. Get to work.
