Writings

A Living Collection of Spells, Manifestos, Realizations & Fuck Ups

I wasn’t a love child

I know because I asked. I had to be 7 or 8 My mom’s  fingers splay out over the blue and white checkered tablecloth that she kept meticulously clean while we lived on Alexander Street.  She seriously contemplates for a moment before looking at me and saying “I really don’t know why I kept having…

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Pleasure, Pride & Prejudice

Being out here in all this heat is making me crave watermelon. And like most things felt thru this craving comes with its own memories. One summer I was sent to stay with some distant relatives in Opelousas Louisiana. I wasn’t ready. Like city folk need some education on the conTREE before we go and…

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The disrespect of it all

Between the Veils is this weekend. This event was built on the ashes of something I helped burn down. With the energy of the roots that I called to be pulled up. I wasn’t invited to participate in the creation of this new event, open,  keynote or teach. I was offered a ticket to attend…

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Secrets

22 years ago I gave the closing address to Xavier University Preparatory High School’s class of 1999 I was 17 years old I remember my rolling stone of a father showing up and when the parents were asked to stand for recognition my brother’s Godfather glared him down in a silent gay rage The thought…

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Debridement

When she spoke into the silence the sound of her voice shocked me so much that she had to repeat herself, loudly. “What’s wrong with your teeth? They look awfu!l” I fought the reflex to cover my mouth. “They’ve been like this since the braces came off mom. I haven’t had the money to get…

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Consequences

Not so long ago someone within the Burlesque community who had done some very toxic shit got totally called out.One of this person’s supporters came to me to explain their side of the situation. My response was fuck her the bitch is canceled. Her supporter tried to say how hard it is for this community…

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the apocalypse will be intersectional & diverse

I wrote this piece just about four years ago when asked to do a reading for Literary Pop: Apocalypse I wrote it because fuck! and I needed to remind myself of what we as Queer, Trans, Gender non-binary, Disabled, Black & Brown & Femme have already survived. I needed to remind myself of the skills…

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Abundance Resilience Protection but first a RANT

New dayNew feelingsSame shitSo annoyed Even though I’m totally a Virgo I would have been okay about being wrong about this. This is why I and several people are saying we still got a lot to work through. This is why I and several people were saying stop harassing Black non men about voting. This…

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Playlists & Benediction: Modern Witches Confluence 2020

I had such an amazing time moderating the Diversity & Inclusion Panel, facilitating the Opening & Closing Ritual and running the virtual chilllout room for the 2020 Modern Witches Confluence. As promised here is the benediction I gave at the end as well as links to the playlists I set up to hold the space.…

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Lean in

Dear Blackwoman/femmes/non-men, I write this to you as earnestly as I write it to myself. Some people, systems, inner demons and internalized misogynoir may try to convince you that you are on some new and destructive shit by choosing you but I’m taking a moment to say to you and to myself that that is…

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If you can’t show up show yourself out.

It’s wild that the wisdom I had at seventeen I had to relearn at 30. After a dance I was sucking face with this guy in the back of a car outside of a diner. I had announced that I needed to go back to the car “for my glasses” then hipchecked this guy, gave…

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I am like my hair

I was taught that no one can be gentle with me because I am some thing that is difficult to deal with.
Something so dark and tightly wound, something so coarse it requires refinement or a cure.

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39

almost didn’t make it twice this year Every month something wild AF has happened. I had childhood abusive situations confirmed, almost died twice, lost my home and my business, ended longstanding relationships with people I shared love with and started the process of changing my name. This birthday is a 1st for me in many…

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Just hold my hand

I deal with a lot of my shit through writing. Lately the things that have been coming out have been hard to re-read. I’m reminded by every breath that I am still so severely compromised and that it is going to take anywhere from 6 months to two years to recover. The most terrifying thing…

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Being Black: Vetting Spaces

I once sat down with a white woman I had offended by telling her to stand down on attacking a Black woman on my page. It was over a protest situation.That asshat had just been elected and a bunch of white people organized some hand holding event with onsite therapists at Grand Lake. At first…

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Wall?

TW: dream contains knife violence Everyone has a wall.We shouldn’t even know where that is but not only am I familiar with every nook and cranny of this wall Ive scrapping my skin off by bashing into it repeatedly.And nowNow I’ve burst through it like the goddamn kool-aid man. Last night as I lay there…

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Thoughts on almost dying…again

I’m currently sleeping with a teddy bear that isn’t minewith a stuffed camel and a zebra in a blanket nest I construct every night I wake up in dark and fumble for the oximeterstumble a finger into it and press a buttonthese numbers mean the difference between falling asleep or sitting awake just so I…

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Vulgar

Joyce Lee noticed that I hide my face when people talk about sex so she gave me Vulgar as a prompt. TW: It is fucking vulgar. Seriously if you’re related to me here is your invitation to not continue 🤷🏿 🤷🏿 🤷🏿 🤷🏿 🤷🏿 🤷🏿 🤷🏿 🤷🏿 😅 😅 😅 😅 😅 Vulgar I cringe…

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I don’t have to be excellent to fucking matter

I don’t know who needs to hear this but… I’ve had #excellence shoved down my throat so deep it owes ME money. #BlackExcellence was beaten into me in an attempt to protect me from white supremacy and fuckshit. The messed up thing about this is that this kind of excellence is often informed by the…

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My Child, Forgive me

I’m consciously letting this storm catch me. Everything is gravity mocking blur and I can barely see or breathe or think as things are ripped and washed away. Sometimes when I stand in the eye of this, I come face-to-face with a younger version of me. She is devastated. Joyce Lee’s prompt was forgiveness. I…

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O’Death

I believe You love me I have educated myself on the subject of you since this body has been made for you and I sincerely believe that You love me one day one day I’m gonna rise up singing I’ll fly away, in the morning to lay my burden down by Your river I’ll be…

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Opinions Kill

o·pin·ion /əˈpinyən/noun a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge. ✨✨ Dearly Beloved, You aren’t beyond reason when fire rising in your chest burns up your throatYou aren’t out of your sanity if you bite the inside of your mouth to keep from speaking, shake your fingers to keep…

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My name is Rawiyah

Hey, My name changed. It’s not a sudden thing. This is years in coming and there are so many #reasonswhy I held on to that name this long. One of them was that I was afraid to lose the contacts and connections I had formed with it. But with all this shit going on I…

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Uprising

As I feed my AncestorsWith bourbon, with food, with dance, with burnt herbs, with blood, with songs, with promises. I askI prayI plead That they hold those that are kinfolk closeProtect their lungs from gasProtect their bodies from bulletsProtect their faces from recognitionProtect their wrists from shackles May their eyes be sharp enough to see…

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Prayer for the Caretakers

Empaths | Caretakes | Therapists | Social Workers, You are a lighthouse in a storm people are being drawn to you. It is so important that you take care of yourself right now. It is so important that you meditate, scream, cry, shake as much as possible. Take baths Punch pillows Dance into a frenzy…

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Imbolc

“Something is wrongI feel like something is wrong.” This is the first thing my soul whispered upon waking and instead of being upset by it I was relieved. I have been waiting on this feeling for a while now. I’ve “known” that something has been wrong for months. I even know where it comes from…

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A Fight Worth Having

About two months ago while fitfully falling asleep next to my partner they asked me what I needed. I legit responded in earnest and pitiful tones with the words “A fight.” I thought it was a temporary thing but as I come closer and closer to Initiation into the tradition I’ve been studying I’ve become…

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For your breaking heart

Dearly Beloved, The Kindred Black and Brown, Blessed Trans & Sacred Queers I am sorry for your breaking hearts Our breaking hearts My breaking heart I am sorry that we continue to witness those who say they are allied to us give in to their privilege repeatedly that you are watching them say things like…

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Stories

Stories📖 I surround myself with them I’m obsessed with them I’m a collector of them I’m a collection of them I am my mother’s story and her mother’s story before her and her mother’s story before her. I’m filled with the treasures and the traps of all these elevated and exiled Ancestors in one hand…

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Solstice Prayer

Normally I share the story of the Goddess of Joy on this day but not this time. This season has been so fucking hard and that’s my own fault. I made an ask to the God of Death when the veil was thin and He drank of the holy offering and delivered. When I asked…

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The Apple Bites Back: The Road to Initiation

If you’ve ever been to one of my classes or workshops I begin it with a warning. This is why. Five years ago today I came into my Teacher’s home for the first time as a student. I had met them before in passing, in community, in a particularly hilarious foretelling photoshoot. I’m not sure…

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A Post Samhain Post

We sometimes joke that our full title is Femme Mountain: Books, Bones, Sticks & Stones Our home has been furnished through estate sales, things passed on to us by elders and our own Dead. The art and photos have their own stories, spells and history. We are surrounded by altars of our own making. They…

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In The Face of Fear: Ancestors

During my #InTheFaceOfFear workshop one of the suggestions I offer is working with your Ancestors. My Ancestor practice had been dismal until 5 years ago and I am still very much growing into it and with it. This can be a hard thing to do. Some of us are cut off from our Ancestors. Genocide,…

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Oregon Day 2: Digging The Hole

The waves were glowing in the dark as they broke across the sands My bare feet followed the path through the rustling grass. It grew higher with every step. Pulling at the hem of my dress Aren’t you afraid A voice said Yes. Aren’t you going to turn away A voice said No. There was…

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Oregon Day 1

So… Slowing down has made me realize how deeply exhausted and deeply fucked I am right now I’ve been moving big energy for people I’ve been making big asks for other people’s benefit I haven’t factored myself into the equation (again) I’ve got two days here and then it back to the grind. I’m lucky…

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How are you?

We were outside of a theater when it happened. “How are you?” popped out of my mouth. It’s a common courtesy. Something we say without thinking and to be honest often without feeling. When they asked “Can I be honest with you?” I looked them directly in their eyes and gave my consent for an…

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If you’re making fun of people dealing with PG&E Power shut offs right now you deserve to feel every carpal & metacarpal of a cosmic bitch slap

https://www.sfchronicle.com/bayarea/article/PG-E-shutoff-Your-food-is-spoiled-business-shut-14502325.php The answer is no. PG&E will not remiburse one damn dime. There are people laughing at this situation or saying others are soooooo delicate But some people in rural areas where these cut offs are happening don’t even have access to water because the pump houses are on electric. If we didn’t have a…

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No

I remember saying “No” The way it rolled off my lips with the same ease as goodmorning or goodnight The laughter that announced its arrival and filled the silence in its wake I remember how clean it was No regrets No taint of “with exception” or “I’ll consider if you would only… ” My No…

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Black Hair Magic

This is why I will bite you if you ask to touch my hair. In addition to slave days being over In addition to the fact that wearing my hair in “natural” styles or approximations of natural styles is still grounds for unemployment in many states In addition to power imbalance, exoticism etc. It’s become…

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Day 2: Beware the Break (Implementing Balance)

The first part of this working is not launching an all out attackThe first part is an assessment of my physical and metaphysical arsenalYou don’t pop off without knowing how many bullets are in your gun Today it was hard to focus What is happening here is not just happening here. It is happening all…

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Resistance Work Day 1 of 30

I am sharing my process for this 30 day intentional working.I have never done this before. I am no expert. I am hella winging it.My intention in sharing this is providing a framework for myself and others who feel called do this type of resistance magic from as resourced a space as possible. I invite…

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The Call

I’ve woken myself up crying for the past few weeks. It lasts for a few minutes then stops. I just blamed it on Cancer season Today it took longer and I asked the tears: What The Fuck?!?! The tears responded You must do a working Me: On what? Tears: On these camps. Me: Okay I…

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No Apologies

I told my partner last night that I wanted to post this picture but I was waiting for the right words.They asked me why I don’t post it without them.I clutched my pearls.My words would have been a way to distract from, explain away or justify my body.Thank you Laydee Kaye Photography for this image…

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That shit’s expensive

There are days I can’t get out it bed I can’t eat I eat too much Where I count the scratches on my skin There are nights I can’t sleep I wake up gasping for air and my heart beating out of control I claw my shoulders and arms in my sleep There are places…

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The Medusa

The first time I saw Queerest of the Gods I was left undone. Here were stories of Deity that felt like accessible reflections. Ten years later I had the honor of participating in the event that touched me so deeply. I knew I did not want to represent something linked to the Greek/Roman pantheon. In…

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cup of tea

Often,when it rains my knee aches It didn’t used to I fell. I came to work the next day limping, in a wrist brace with dark circles under my eyes must have looked like I was punched in the face one of the legal assistants leaned over my desk and whispered what happened? I said…

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How not to be a Social Worker

It’s been awhile since I’ve been to the doctor. I was emotionally ready for a fight but it a surprising experience. My doctor was a Black woman who believed I knew my body best. She ordered every test requested and made amazing suggestions. My weight was never a thing until I brought it up and…

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Comfort

I stay telling my clients that they don’t have to live in discomfort. I’m so fucking #teamvirgo because I also stay being do as I say not as I do. From 5 to 17 I lived in saddle oxfords and uniforms. By 18 I was buying my own clothing and shoes so that meant thrift…

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Issa Trap!

Beloved, Your humanity will cause you to look for the humanity in people who (aware or unaware) do not see you as human. It’s a trap! Through religion, mass media, weaponized desirability politics, the educational system, scarcity syndrome and the necessity of survival we were groomed. Groomed to participate in perpetuating a system that profits…

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A Dear John Letter

I’m watching the clock tick down I’m feeling the passage of time as this current year rakes the last of her minutes down my spine. She’s death She’s all sweetness She’s asking what I want to give her She’s asking what I want her to take with her Tonight I am giving her you. You…

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What to do when a Big Name Pagan Throws at You

and several other POC Witches in the process A few weeks ago Orion Foxwood wrote the following That Fam is a curse.It looks like love but don’t be fooled, that is a fucking throw. This is a throw against People of Color taking a stand against appropriation, white supremacy and general caucasity.This is an empowerment…

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Social Gaslighting & The MWGA: A Love Letter To QTPOC Witches

Dearly Beloved, I see you as I see myselfIn this place of unutterable confusion I feel you as I feel myselfTeeth barred with an open and breaking heart I hear you as I hear myselfScreaming with an aching throat against those that actively silence your call for safety within your own spiritual communities I write…

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Wednesday

There is a bunch of shit going on outside of my window right now. My name is in the mouth of some racist ass pagans right now. They are so angry. Because I said everything ain’t for you white boy Because I’m part of a group of people who aren’t here for it or here…

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The Journey Home or how I learned to love myself via public transit

I’m a sado-masochist with a thing for aversion therapy but even I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t grow up here. I hadn’t cultivated the specific boundaries necessary to navigate the tunnels above and underground. I don’t know if it’s my fatness or my blackness or some combination but people will stand rather than sit…

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Blacklove: Hurr

This moment. I just want to live in this moment. Sitting on the floor of my Spiritual Mother’s home between the legs of this magnificent human being that I love while they oil, part and cornrow my hair. They know the history in this hair They know being yanked around by mothers on Sundays They…

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