TW: dream contains knife violence

Everyone has a wall.
We shouldn’t even know where that is but not only am I familiar with every nook and cranny of this wall Ive scrapping my skin off by bashing into it repeatedly.
And now
Now I’ve burst through it like the goddamn kool-aid man.

Last night as I lay there throat burning and stomach hurting, chest closing I thought “I’m so tired. My toolbox is so throughly depleted. I give up. I give in”
My brain, or my spirits had me remember something.

The first time I got sick this year was right around the time I was supposed to be initiated into the tradition I had been studying for five years.

I didn’t get that initiation
I felt some sort of way about that and the circumstances around it until I realized I was given a different kind of initiation into something else.

The dreams I had at that time
Just like I am having now are full, busy, downloads, workings, transmissions. In one dream there was a person trying to kill me.

I pretended to be dead
But he keep coming back into the room and stabbing me in the chest.
At one point I cried and handed him a bigger knife saying just kill me and get it over with.

As he took MY knife from me and raised it high something flipped a switch.

I grabbed the blade and I didn’t bleed.
I ripped it out of his hand and stood up from the floor.
I began to fight back.

My attacker healed himself almost as fast I was damaging him. His smile widened to show too many teeth and he looked me right in the eye and screamed AGAIN! while running at me.

We fought until I was screaming like him and showing far too many teeth. Until I realized that the ice blue light that sealed his wounds were sealing mine too.

He laughed while I raged and then he sent me home to the darkness of my room and the softness of my bed.

I remembered this last night as I curled up exhausted and crying
I stretched out
Took deep breaths
Got up and closed the window
Rubbed my belly
And fell asleep saying
Fuck this shit. I’m going to live. I’m going to live. I’m going to live. I’m going to live.

I swear I heard that motherfucker laughing again.