If you’ve ever been to one of my classes or workshops I begin it with a warning.
This is why.
Five years ago today I came into my Teacher’s home for the first time as a student.
I had met them before in passing, in community, in a particularly hilarious foretelling photoshoot.
I’m not sure what I expected in that moment. All I knew was that for once in my life I was going to see it through.
I didn’t know what I was signing up for but they did.
I didn’t know I would fall in love.
I fell in love with them and the Students and other Initiates of this tradition.
I fell in love with myself.
And lez be clear,this is not some eat pray whatever the fuck kind of love. This is a love that has teeth and talons. This love holds up a mirror that I can not hide from. This love burned me and the whole fucking village I built to maintain the lie of that “me” to ash and coal.
A few months into study I sat wide eyed and embarrassed at my Teacher’s table. They were patient. Waiting for me to pull up what ever words were stuck in my throat.
“I’m not impeccable,” I managed to say eventually. “I don’t think I can do this without being impeccable. I want to be impeccable”
They looked at me with an unreadable expression that I’ve come to understand and cherish over the years. They responded simply.
“Then go be impeccable.”
A lot of the study was like that. Me admitting the worst and the best of myself and having to hold it all, decide what to do with it all from this place of impeccability that openly mocked perfection.
A Virgo’s worst nightmare!
When I started this path I was working 60+ hours a week between the desk job, performing, massage co-producing. I was sharing my time and body with people who would not see me nor cherish me. I was kneeling at the feet of others and offering them the sword that is my soul for their acceptance, for their kindness, for their love.
I was content to be small as possible because I equated it with being safe.
I thought the only way people would see me as human in this body and in this skin was through what I could offer them. Because what I was wasn’t good enough.
What I was wasn’t good enough.
What I was wasn’t good enough for me because what I was wasn’t real.
The path to Initiation meant I had to be real.
In being real I lost so much; Friends, family, jobs, lovers, homes, safe spaces. I was constantly screaming:
But I Need That!!!
And the Universe would rise up laughing and singing back:
Bitch, do you? Do you tho? Let’s test this theory!!!
This labyrinth spun me out casually. At times I believed I was going insane but I was only falling in(to) sanity.
I’m difficult now
I’ve got boundaries and expectations
I’m unpredictable now
I’ve got a moral code not based on social norms or expectations
I’m wild now
I’ve got desires and agendas
Like one of my beloved brothers t-shirts says
I’ve got many Gods now
and no Masters
I don’t hide my mouth when I laugh anymore instead it sounds like thunder
I don’t hide my tears anymore
I sob openly until I choke
I don’t hide my excitement anymore
my screams upset the birds in their branches
I don’t silence my rage anymore
I write, I speak, I look it in the eyes
It’s exhausting thb.
But it’s a whole lot less exhausting than the lie.
I’m still losing things.
Five years later I’m still losing things I never thought I would.
My Teacher became my Mother and if I am found to truly be kin of this kind they will soon become my Sister.
I cried and mourned the loss of this type of love even as I rejoice in anticipation of standing in this faith shoulder to shoulder with them.
I thanked them for bringing me up as a witch. I acknowledge that this has also brought me up as a human being. That no matter what happens now I am accountable and responsible for myself and what work I do in this world.
They smiled and said “Now you are impeccable.”
Initiations can happen in big ways and sometimes in very small mundane ways. They happen like storms, suddenly or soft and gently. They are constantly occurring if you know how to look for them, if you are mindful.
So with that said
Seekers of the Mysteries
Witches wanting more
Archaeologists of the Ancient Names
Lovers of Whispered Lore
You have more to lose than you could ever have imagined
Each slight change in your lens makes the world you live in untenable and that makes you responsible
In order to truly live you will have to die
The Apple is bitter and sweet
The Apple is poison and medicine
The Apple is ipecac
The Apple bites back
And it’s as delicious as it is deadly.