It’s wild that the wisdom I had at seventeen I had to relearn at 30.

After a dance I was sucking face with this guy in the back of a car outside of a diner. I had announced that I needed to go back to the car “for my glasses” then hipchecked this guy, gave a wink and a nod and said wanna shove your tongue down my throat for a bit while I “look for my glasses”? Because subtlety is a life skill I had yet to aquire.

My friend gave me the keys to her car with a worried look on her face. Not for me mind you but rather her car.

So we’re back there and it’s not boring but he starts pushing my head down and unzips his pants.

I’m just looking at it for a bit, he asks what’s wrong? He asks if I’m going to suck it.

And I’m like nah we good I’ll give you a hand job though.

When he expressess dissatisfaction with this. I pull away fully and let him know that if he wasn’t putting his mouth on me then I’m not going to put my mouth on him.

He’s shook!

He demands to know if I’d be counting licks too
And I said yeah or time for time because this was at a point in my life when I was wearing wristwatches.

He says eating off the plate is difficult in the car but we parked in a dark corner and I knew my girl kept blanket in the trunk so I opened the door and explained the optional body mechanics if he needed more space which he didn’t because I was flexible and my dress had a slit up the side I had purposefully extended to maximize movement.

He told me it would be sloppy.
Ya’ll his face when I pulled wet wipes out of my purse. He thought I was a freak
Like hello I’m also Virgo… so…

He refused so I said okay
put my glasses on and put my titties away.
Had he any pearls on he would have expired from the clutching of them.

I felt no shame.
Even when he called to lament about his 🔵blueballs🔵 I reminded him that I offered him options in the moment and that he had a hand so there was no need to continue suffering.
God helps those that help themselves
Then I hung up because he sounded like he was calling me from the bath and I’ve done the phone sex with guys in the bath thing before and I always felt something was missing.

It wasn’t until my 30s that I figured out it that thing I was missing was PAYMENT!

So I’m in my 30s
In a relationship
And one of my partners loves blows jobs , hates giving head.

I stay in this relationship for years because I didn’t want to seem petty or tit for tat. One day I just couldn’t take it. I announced that the “Faberge Egg shop is closing”

✨I referred to my head game as gifting a Faberge egg it’s a work of art and pretty to look at even if you’re not involved directly with it and each one is unique and detail-tailored for the person who’s to receive it.✨

This became standard for all relationships that I was in. I began to notice that the same people who wanted me to go down on them but wouldn’t go down on me were also not showing up equally outside of the bedroom.

Sometimes it was a case of toxic masculinity and sometimes it was a case of feeling entitled to my body for their own pleasure and the belief that my pleasure is solely based off of insertion or their own pleasure.

I was told that I get too wet
I was told that I was selfish
I was told that I was lucky that anybody wanted to fuck me in the first place since I’m so fat

But I held to my standards
Eventually stopped having sex with cis het men as a result.

Queer sex tho…
Queer sex literally saved my soul.
Queer Fat Sex
Queer Black and Brown Sex
Queer Fat Black and Brown Sex

Oh my gAwD

(Inserts respectful pause for my constantly knocked out bottom)

I can worship at a persons altar again, laugh and giggle and cry because
sometimes we have this way with us
A way of loving each other developed in a world that despises us so it’s extra extra strength.

The older I get, the more I follow this path back to my own innocence, the closer I get to my own personal heaven the more I become like the child I once was.

That teenager that puts their tits away
That wouldn’t share themselves or their talents with someone who wasn’t going to give as good as they get.