This weekend two people I just love to pieces were talking about gravity. How it’s a function of the curvature of spacetime and how “bodies” interact with it.

While simultaneously being mind blown about how much sense this makes, finding out that Bae had minored in physics at Pen and trying not to succumb into full blown hedonistic nerdgasms infront of my newer friend   

I recalled the last time I got this excited in this particular way.

It  was about seven years ago at a  Mensa “pool party” hosted by two silver haired professors.After the wife showed me her special penis bracelet I asked where the bathroom was and the husband happily led me there.

It was lit up this bright neon blue.

 The kind of color you expect to see on a space station. It paired well with the iridescent dolphin beaded curtain they had hung up after they removed the entire bathroom door.

I knew this was gonna be a weird night when he winked at me and said  “We like to watch” 

I was eventually shown outside to the pool and that’s when I saw him. A gorgeous man who looked like the love child of Mr Clean and Yul Brynner. Between my love of cleanliness and musicals I was sprung. 

My nipples were up in his mouth for the better part of an hour before he asked me if I wanted to see the special massage table.

I said sure.

I was surprised when he showed me an actual massage table because I hella thought that “special  massage table” meant his dick. 

But no, it was a Mensa modified massage table.  Supposedly a bunch of horny geniuses got together to figure out how to build a sex table that is both egronomic, customizeable and quick to transform. 

It was a thing of fucking beauty.

A whole part of it dropped down and became a pew for someone to worship at your nethers.

You could prop your legs up and not feel like you were at the gynecologist.

It was padded in this really soft amazing leather.

And it was handcrafted with real wood I don’t know if that shit was oak or what but it was nice.

Anyway, while Mr. Clean is living up to his namesake our host enters the room to ask me if I’m enjoying the table and inquires if I want to see his train.

I say sure

Again I am surprised when it turns out to be an actual choo choo train and not his dick.

He had installed a train track close to the ceiling that circled the room. Despite my positioning I didn’t see it until he turned it on and that it a testimony to the level of worship this beautiful bald buff man was engaging in.

After telling the naughty professor that he has a very nice train he asks me what I think about string theory.  I told him that I knew the basics but I was always open to learning more so he goes to the bookshelf pulls out a book on string theory and then begins to read to me while injecting his own meditations on the subject. 

There’s a moment where this all gets really surreal and I begin to question if I was really alive. 

I mean I’m in this neon lit room that feels very “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” getting head by Yul Brynner, while some other guy educates me on string theory.

I come screaming: Liiiessssss there are definitely more than ten fucking dimensions!!!!!!

Moral of the story

Get you a nerd