Nah. (An Open Response to Pantheacon’s Open invite to PCon, and my opinions)

WARNING: Do not proceed without taking your blood pressure medicine and/ or a bucket of popcorn. I’ll wait.


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At the zenith of Beyonce Season in the year 2019  I received the following missive:

Dear Irene,
 
As Glenn’s daughter, I am working more directly in the programming area this year. I wanted to reach out even though I know you have clearly stated you are boycotting PantheaCon.  I want to respect that, and your opinions and experiences. I’m not writing to change your mind, but to seek to open my mind and better understand. I know you have contributed in many ways over the years, and it’s been an accumulation of events that have brought this to this point.
 
Because I am stepping into more leadership here, I am interested in learning more about how to better open the event to you and those who have had to deal with many levels of aggression and difficulties in simply being there.  I’m sorry that there has been hurt and pain while you have brought and shared your talents and expressions being here. I’m sorry that I have not had the knowledge of what you’ve experienced.
If this is something you might be willing to share, I’m here to try to do better, and to listen.
If there are ideas on how we might be of better service to you and your groups, I want to do what we can to make improvements. 
 
Consider this an olive branch and that your opinion matters here.
You have an open invitation to participate as you see best, any time, in any capacity as you chose.
 
And, if you choose to not respond, or spend any further time or energy on this, I understand and respect that.
 
I wish you all the best – humbly yours,
 
Holly Turner

 

First of all: 

2mr3.gif

 

Fam, 

I know this looks like a completely viable reach out but let me remind you that shit hit the fan from November of 2018  and continued smacking against it until February of 2019

I had to be escorted to and from my sessions.

I had to be escorted to the classes I went there to teach, the performances I did with the art I created in conjunction with Gods for fucking free.

Wait.

Correction.

I paid to be there.

I paid to be in danger. To deliver these workings directly in harms way.  While Pantheacon  remained silent on the whole ordeal some of the staff and volunteers held me down with much love that I knew I was not the one divorced from reality in this situation. 

I know that people were telling Glenn everything that was going on… ya’ll extending olive branches now?

umph

And before one of y’all  pop off with:  “Life happened to these people.”

Let me let you know LIFE HAPPENED TO MY ASS TOO!!!   So often people living under systems of oppression are asked to be considerate regarding what their oppressors are going through and be gentle, loving and shit to the very people that fucked them over. I mean…

Whitney Houston GIF

I just got my mind/spirit unfucked by the drama when this letter found it’s way into my inbox. I had shit to do.  I had to take an entire pause in my work because I realized I could not complete my liberation spell craft until I pulled myself together.  I thought I was done. 

There were moments when I went back and forth about if I was going to respond, how I was going to respond, what the hell am I going to say.  Anything I gave them would hurt me and would be a gift to them. Also there are those on staff and the volunteer team that are SO FUCKING GLORIOUS TO BEHOLD

Fam the internal struggle!!!!

the voices in my head

I’ll admit it.

I was hella on Pantheacon’s proverbial dick.  They are a huge part of the witch I am today.  I high-key became this witch so I could give back to this community. What can I say…

love

Tho truth be told

Mary J Blige GIF

I mean hoooooow many of us sat in a class on some melanated subject being taught from an anthropological Cis-Het-white view point that was as dry as the season-less award-winning  chicken Oprah was trying not to spit out on camera in-front of the whole damn world.  Lots of us were confused but still adhering to social constructs that demanded we not be rude so we stayed even though our souls were like

Could be home

How many of us cried in our rooms/suites and homes after having to put up with the same casual ass racist or trans-phobic shit every single year!  From people who consider themselves to be enlightened, engaged, connected, rooted, open. WE PAID MONEY WE DID NOT HAVE FOR THIS!?!?!

cry

Legit, if I hear one more white witch telling me they understand me because the burning times affected them all  I’ll…

fire

In the end tho I did respond. 

2019-09-262019-09-26 (2)

Holly, 
 
I am responding to this message only because I do not want the narrative to read
We reached out
We tried all we could
But they could not reach back
We understand this
We understand the pain
But what more can we do then we have already done?
 
Be aware that it is painful to respond to you.  For some reason there is no anger in my voice.  There is a place beyond disappointment, a place we catch a glimpse of at the boundary of grief and rage, the space between the place where they meet. 
 
This is where I am with Glenn and the culture the event you are holding has cultivated and encouraged.
 
This apology is not yours to give so I can not except it.
 
I will not drag myself through the emotional spiritual trauma needed to access the opinion you request.
Your olive branch is smooth to you but for me it comes with snakes, and thorns and is full of a poison you can’t even begin to understand.
 
Pantheacon
Your mother
You have proved that you are not ready to receive in so many ways.
 
*Asking me to share knowledge with you that so many Black and Brown and Trans beings have already screamed, begged and pleaded for
 
*Asking me now  when Glenn did nothing last year, reached out in no way, expressed no concern to the people personally  harmed,  ignored them for the sake of those she found more value in.
 
*Asking me to make this offering to you
That comes at such a high price 
for free
 
Holly how can you call yourself humble in your approach when it is filled, albeit unknowingly, with the arrogance of your privilege.
 
How can you make this ask when at every turn you slap us
Even in your attempt to guard us
 
I will GIFT you this one thing to sit with as proof of your overwhelming inability to understand.
It is more than you deserve. 
The decision to have your diversity statement written and championed by what appears to be a Cis White Woman speaks volumes on how sadly limited your grasp of the magnitude of your situation is.
 
I and those like me do not want a seat at a table that was never meant for us
I tried to fit
I wanted to fit
It nearly ripped me apart.
I am not the only one having to heal in this way
Pantheacon is responsible
Glenn is responsible
There are consequences
 
This is what you are inheriting.

 

 

Lissen,

If you think this is just about something as small as Pantheacon I am both sorry for you and slightly envious of the comfort you must be experiencing in your blissful state of willful ignorance

This is about everything.

My Beloved Black Brown Queer Trans Family.  You are under no obligation to teach or to hold.  The information has been given, it is all around them.  They will ask for it, they will demand it and you get to choose whether or not you will gift them with your precious blood and soul.

I used to do this work. I thought it was my purpose.  It was my love offering to the world. I understand those that do this work.  I have compassion for them.  I am often using magic, touch, words, song to help them put themselves back together.

Bridges I love you

I see you

and also know that we are almost gone

We leave these houses to invest in our own
We will no longer sit at table constructed without us in mind or spirit
I love myself
I love us
more than I love this.
 
I love myself more than I love this shit
I love myself more than I love this shit
I love myself more than I love this shit
 
 
I don’t know what’s happening
but I can feel this shift and I’m singing into the the chasm formed by our screams
I don’t know what is going to happen
but I know for damn sure that this shit…
 

It won't happen again

 
 

 

6 thoughts on “Nah. (An Open Response to Pantheacon’s Open invite to PCon, and my opinions)

  1. *breathes deep*
    *exhales out*
    That you also shared your poetic gift in response to that poisoned branch is just breathtaking.
    Beir Bua, Monster Sibling, and thank you! For this response, for sharing your navigation through this, for reminding them and us that we can build a better fucking table and we still love ourselves more than we love this shit!
    I look forward to maybe, one day, working with you in crafting that table.

    Like

  2. Your words, energy, magic, everything have such tremendous value and power. You deserve only the highest respect. Thank you for sharing this gift.

    Like

    1. The mind reels!
      The thing is that I’ve been so conditioned by social niceties and past bridge work that it took me a while to actually have a coherent verbal statement together.
      My soul and bones were angry but my mouth had to catch up.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel this so hard. It’s the type of consciousness we live with all day every day. I am so tired all of the time. I’m tired of having that consciousness and then when something inevitably happens (again) needing to explain it to people who don’t. I still struggle with the “be nice” vs “be real/yourself” because the former is so ingrained. It’s easier to do it in writing, but ti’s still so hard.

        Like

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