Day 2: Beware the Break (Implementing Balance)

The first part of this working is not launching an all out attack
The first part is an assessment of my physical and metaphysical arsenal
You don’t pop off without knowing how many bullets are in your gun

Today it was hard to focus

What is happening here is not just happening here. It is happening all over the world. In China right now Muslim children are being sent to “boarding schools” and their parents to “re-education” camps.

Representatives of their government say that this is to help them assimilate and that there has been no evidence of these kind of actions causing any cultural harm. But we know this is a lie. Members of the United States Government dare to open their mouths to condemn these actions without addressing the harm this country is doing right now, the harm this country has historically done to Black people and Indegious people.

There is already well documented, living and breathing evidence of the effects of actual and cultural genocide. I am a survivor of these things.

It was hard to focus today.

So I did a single card draw from Cristy C. Road’s Next World Tarot

The 2 of Wands learned everything she wanted to learn. She travels in a world free of injustice and asks you to assist her in ushering in the next world. Before we are teacher, starseeds and magicians; we are cultural workers living on a margin with hope and fear that feels eternal. Self sacrifice makes us magical but trauma makes us human. We deserve to engage with the endless possibilities of our gift and we deserve to take our time to heal.

The 2 of Wands is a safe threshold. She is guardian angel who asks you to discover your deepest truth and unravel your deepest wound while basking in your greatest achievement.

Christy C. Road

This draw helped me refocus and see that I am not just doing one working but creating a system for my magic. One that uses magical & emotional sacrifice, informed not only by trauma motivated by the healing of trauma, a system that supports my wounds and my wings. It’s not for one thing. It can be mutable and used for so much more in the now and future.

I feel called to reiterate that this is dangerous work

When a friend asked me how this could be dangerous work. All my exhaustion brain could come up with at first was: Think of this kind of magic as RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) instead of SSC (Safe Sane Consensual Kink)

I risk breaking myself.

Spiritually: How can there be a Divine Intelligent Force when these things continue to happen? Aren’t my prayers heard? Am I not screaming loud enough? Am I wrong in my beliefs? Is this all for naught?

Emotionally: Depression, Rage

Mentally: Anxiety, Paranoia

Physically: Continued and chronic stress leads to heart issues, high blood pressure, loss of cognitive functions, adrenal overload, insomnia etc.

I’m not saying this to say “look how brave I am for doing this”
I’m saying this so I remain vigilant and continue to replace that which I put out
I’m saying this in hopes that I don’t break
I’m saying this in hopes that if I do I remember that I wrote this and I can go back and remind myself that this is the work and not me and to ask for help.

The first part of this working is not launching an all out attack
The first part is an assessment of my physical and metaphysical arsenal
You don’t pop off without knowing how many bullets are in your gun

The first part of The Covenant of Working I made for this action was intentional:

I understand that this is dangerous work
I understand that I must not die for it but live for it
I understand that I must take care of the vessel, mind and heart that sets upon this task

I will repeat the whole to myself twice a day before bed, upon waking but that first part is the foundation. I’ve watched too many great people, healers, comrades fall to suicide, depression, mental instability while walking the tightrope between hope and hopelssness.

Most people engaging in this kind of desperate bloody work physically and metaphysically are those who are marginalized. As a marginalized person, as a Black person, as a fat person, as a person assigned female at birth I was taught that the silent sacrifice of myself was the most noble thing I could do.

I refuse to allow my Resistance Magic to be rooted in concepts formed by colonization and patriarchy.

So today I did my assessment and created my daily rituals of self care that will sustain me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Daily:
Exercise
Water
3 Meals
At least 15mins of Joy
At least 15mins of Meditation
At least 7hrs of sleep or down time
At least one check inwith Kith and Kin
Conversation with Ancestor/ Spirit/ Divine
Shower

This may seem like some pretty basic shit but I know I’ve gone a week without showering when I am going through it…

Today

Magical:

  • Created my daily ritual
  • Recited my Covenant
  • Set my Wards
  • Set a glass of water on a white cloth next to my bed
  • Ask my Guides and Elevated Ancestors for advice

Real World Action:

Tomorrow I’ll be breaking down the three goals of my Covenant and crafting rituals for each that take in account the moon phases and the upcoming retrograde. I’m really glad my CPAP came in. I’m going to need all the sleep I can get.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s