I deal with a lot of my shit through writing. Lately the things that have been coming out have been hard to re-read. I’m reminded by every breath that I am still so severely compromised and that it is going to take anywhere from 6 months to two years to recover.
The most terrifying thing was being alone. I knew it was for everyone’s safety but in that moment when it got bad I just wanted someone to hold my hand.
I remember looking at the nurse in a panic and saying: I’m so sorry but can you please just hold my hand. I don’t mean to be inconvenient but I think I’m dying and I just want someone to hold my hand.
My heart is breaking for the many who have actually passed through the veil without their loved ones near them
My heart is breaking for the caretakes who take a moment to hold the hands & spirits of those who are being taken.
Just hold my hand
If I am slipping just hold my hand
I can’t grasp this air but if you could just please grasp my hand
Remind me of this flesh I’m falling from with the pressure of your own
let me feel fingers catch in the weakening web of mine
a pulse that is counter syncopation to my scattered and erratic beat
Dig your nails into me so I remember one last time that this was real
There is nothing but empty crushing space in my chest so if you would just fill my hand with yours so I can hold on to it
pull myself into a different place by it
free my body from this gurney and be in bed next to them instead
Wrap myself around the width of them
Press my nose into the soft garden of their 4c kitchen
surrounded with the scent of mint melanin curl enhancer and jergens shea butter
feel the warmth of their back against my breasts
match my breathlessness to their steadiness as they sleep
witness breaking dawn’s grey light saturate their thighs in silver as our laced fingers lay across their belly
Let me pretend for a moment
that I’m there with them instead of here
If I am slipping just hold my hand while I hold on to this memory
because if I can be so lucky
to take one thing with me
it would be the feeling of their hand in mine.