About two months ago while fitfully falling asleep next to my partner they asked me what I needed.

I legit responded in earnest and pitiful tones with the words “A fight.”

I thought it was a temporary thing but as I come closer and closer to Initiation into the tradition I’ve been studying I’ve become edgy.

It seems I’ve arrived at that curious place in a spiritual journey where I’m either

-Fuck it. I’m not going to let it disturb my calm
-Fuck you if you disturb my calm
-I wish he/she/they/zie/sie/ey/ve/tey/ E/per would try to fuck with my calm

I feel like an entire year turning
Winter trying not to yeild to spring
Like David Tenant gripping the Tardis and saying for the 100th time.

I don’t want to go and I so desperately want to go. I’ve had to many little deaths in the past 5 years but this is a big one.

I knew it was coming.
Spirit always gives me a warning shot.
When it is time to leave a job I’d break a glass at work.
When it is time to leave a house my clothes will smell like mildew no matter how many times I wash them.
When it is time to leave a relationship the smell of our sex, the mixing of us would be offensive to my nose.

The week before I sleepily admitted my desire to not only knuck but also buck I was in the bath. I was washing away things that did not serve me. I was crying and singing and high as epiglottis but feeling oh so good.  When I lay back in the tub to submerge myself completely I head a voice.

I’ve heard this voice before
-In a baptist church as the preacher dipped me under the water. It told me something that I thought I had imagined but when the preacher brought me to the surface his face was a contortion of fear and awe.  He said he felt god move through me.
-On the side of a cliff I was dangling my feet off of as I was choosing between staying in Colorado or moving to California.
-On the day that I first really met him and years later on the night I knew I should never lay next to him again.

I heard this voice
My Voice
whispering in the water around my ears
“Well done
Well done that
Now what are we going to do about Irene”

Even though I sat up choking and sputtering and cursing I realize,only now as I write this, that the fight I’m spoiling for is with my self for my self.

I thought that as I got closer to finishing my training I’d become this placid lake of shining water and what I am is closer to an on coming messy ass storm. 

There are people telling me to be gentle but how does one gently kill the lie of themselves. I can clearly see the reflection in the mirror is a false one. It’s fustrating and fascinating and I’m absolutely mad, rabid and joyful as I engage in the battle.

I’m split into two.
What I thought I was and what I am

Each decision I make, even the tiny ones matter. Because each action feeds one or the other. Every action, thought, intention is a swing of a sharpened sword.

I will come home with my shield, not on it. Besides why be like 10 when I could be