A Fight Worth Having

About two months ago while fitfully falling asleep next to my partner they asked me what I needed.

I legit responded in earnest and pitiful tones with the words “A fight.”

I thought it was a temporary thing but as I come closer and closer to Initiation into the tradition I’ve been studying I’ve become edgy.

It seems I’ve arrived at that curious place in a spiritual journey where I’m either

-Fuck it. I’m not going to let it disturb my calm
-Fuck you if you disturb my calm
-I wish he/she/they/zie/sie/ey/ve/tey/ E/per would try to fuck with my calm

I feel like an entire year turning
Winter trying not to yeild to spring
Like David Tenant gripping the Tardis and saying for the 100th time.

I don’t want to go and I so desperately want to go. I’ve had to many little deaths in the past 5 years but this is a big one.

I knew it was coming.
Spirit always gives me a warning shot.
When it is time to leave a job I’d break a glass at work.
When it is time to leave a house my clothes will smell like mildew no matter how many times I wash them.
When it is time to leave a relationship the smell of our sex, the mixing of us would be offensive to my nose.

The week before I sleepily admitted my desire to not only knuck but also buck I was in the bath. I was washing away things that did not serve me. I was crying and singing and high as epiglottis but feeling oh so good.  When I lay back in the tub to submerge myself completely I head a voice.

I’ve heard this voice before
-In a baptist church as the preacher dipped me under the water. It told me something that I thought I had imagined but when the preacher brought me to the surface his face was a contortion of fear and awe.  He said he felt god move through me.
-On the side of a cliff I was dangling my feet off of as I was choosing between staying in Colorado or moving to California.
-On the day that I first really met him and years later on the night I knew I should never lay next to him again.

I heard this voice
My Voice
whispering in the water around my ears
“Well done
Well done that
Now what are we going to do about Irene”

Even though I sat up choking and sputtering and cursing I realize,only now as I write this, that the fight I’m spoiling for is with my self for my self.

I thought that as I got closer to finishing my training I’d become this placid lake of shining water and what I am is closer to an on coming messy ass storm. 

There are people telling me to be gentle but how does one gently kill the lie of themselves. I can clearly see the reflection in the mirror is a false one. It’s fustrating and fascinating and I’m absolutely mad, rabid and joyful as I engage in the battle.

I’m split into two.
What I thought I was and what I am

Each decision I make, even the tiny ones matter. Because each action feeds one or the other. Every action, thought, intention is a swing of a sharpened sword.

I will come home with my shield, not on it. Besides why be like 10 when I could be

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Thank you for sharing your journey. I literally just wrote about feeling like 10 before reading this. This gives me hope. But I don’t think I’m quite to the same place yet.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Irene says:

    May you find your way through. May you have room for rest and be held as well. I’m sorry you are in it as well. So many people are telling me that they are loosing everything right now. A lot of us are grieving and going on paths that only we can take and it feels so isolating.

    I hope the path leads you to a place where you can be made new with an ease The Doctor never seems to have 🖤


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