About two months ago while fitfully falling asleep next to my partner they asked me what I needed.
I legit responded in earnest and pitiful tones with the words “A fight.”
I thought it was a temporary thing but as I come closer and closer to Initiation into the tradition I’ve been studying I’ve become edgy.
It seems I’ve arrived at that curious place in a spiritual journey where I’m either
-Fuck it. I’m not going to let it disturb my calm
-Fuck you if you disturb my calm
-I wish he/she/they/zie/sie/ey/ve/tey/ E/per would try to fuck with my calm
I feel like an entire year turning
Winter trying not to yeild to spring
Like David Tenant gripping the Tardis and saying for the 100th time.
I don’t want to go and I so desperately want to go. I’ve had to many little deaths in the past 5 years but this is a big one.
I knew it was coming.
Spirit always gives me a warning shot.
When it is time to leave a job I’d break a glass at work.
When it is time to leave a house my clothes will smell like mildew no matter how many times I wash them.
When it is time to leave a relationship the smell of our sex, the mixing of us would be offensive to my nose.
The week before I sleepily admitted my desire to not only knuck but also buck I was in the bath. I was washing away things that did not serve me. I was crying and singing and high as epiglottis but feeling oh so good. When I lay back in the tub to submerge myself completely I head a voice.
I’ve heard this voice before
-In a baptist church as the preacher dipped me under the water. It told me something that I thought I had imagined but when the preacher brought me to the surface his face was a contortion of fear and awe. He said he felt god move through me.
-On the side of a cliff I was dangling my feet off of as I was choosing between staying in Colorado or moving to California.
-On the day that I first really met him and years later on the night I knew I should never lay next to him again.
I heard this voice
whispering in the water around my ears
Well done that
Now what are we going to do about Irene”
Even though I sat up choking and sputtering and cursing I realize,only now as I write this, that the fight I’m spoiling for is with my self for my self.
I thought that as I got closer to finishing my training I’d become this placid lake of shining water and what I am is closer to an on coming messy ass storm.
There are people telling me to be gentle but how does one gently kill the lie of themselves. I can clearly see the reflection in the mirror is a false one. It’s fustrating and fascinating and I’m absolutely mad, rabid and joyful as I engage in the battle.
I’m split into two.
What I thought I was and what I am
Each decision I make, even the tiny ones matter. Because each action feeds one or the other. Every action, thought, intention is a swing of a sharpened sword.
I will come home with my shield, not on it. Besides why be like 10 when I could be