Before You Close Your Eyes Tonight: a love letter to Black and Brown Peoples

( Screen capture from #HeavenlyBrownBody, Starring Tas Al-Ghul ,Jade Phoenix Martinez and myself, Dir: Leslie Foster DP: Avery Holliday, MUAH: Allia Arite/Vyvy Tran, Costuming: Rae Esterlina with assists by Tas Al-Ghul and myself.)

Dearly Beloved,

Before you close your eyes tonight remember that you are magnificence whether you are in motion or not

you are not outside of your sanity

you are most definitely under attack from within and without and while there is medicine in this shadow there is also horror in knowing which way the wind blows

I am so sorry

I am sorry for those of us who must continue to do the work in these exhausted states

I am sorry for those of us who can not continue to do the work and are drowning in the guilt or shame of the relief of being sidelined

I am sorry it is so hard to practice what we often preach
to bring water to the parched lips of others that is so hard to swallow for ourselves

I wish us
to give us
the grace we so freely give to others

you are not a phony or a fake or less than if you are depressed, stressed and assaulted by anxiety

you are not a hypocrite for crawling into, caving into coping methods that are giving you the comfort you so desperately deserve and crave

you are not a hypocrite for attempting to create space or a buffer to buffer your shocked system
we are constantly grieving and we need space for that

space to not take in everything that is around us
space so we can get footing
and lets be real
Dearly Beloved,
we are trying to get footing on quickly moving and sinking sand

we are trying to do something that seems like the impossible

but remember,

we are waking miracles descended from the first peoples, the magical peoples, those that survived genocides, middle passages and trails of tears

depression and anxiety has us out here still doing great feats by simply living while simultaneously having us lose sight of who we are

it will make you forget that you are magnificence whether you are in motion or not

it will make you forget that you are GODDEXX moving across this earth

You literally are god and oh so beautifully human

contrary to the first story I was handed like so many Black & Brown AFAB’s were handed

You are not to die on the cross

You are not to sacrifice Your sacred Self like a lamb for others

Here is my prayer, my dream, my demand for Us

We’re going to take rest
We’re going to allow ourselves to be totally bent
to be messy
to cry
to be fucked up
to be imperfect

We’re going to fully mourn Our dead
We’re going to remember Their names and keep places for Them at our tables

And we’re going to keep going

We’re going to keep being molded in this fire We are moving though because there will come a break

there will come break or We will fucking make one

We’re going to live

We will survive this with Our souls intact because once this is over We are still going to be on the front lines

whatever thing(s) invested in seeing this world double dicked into darkness
whatever thing(s) increasing it’s efforts to destroy You is officially put on fucking notice

instead of catching Us, it’s gonna catch these hands

but for now rest
rest as much as and when You can
give Your Self as much space and comfort as You can

for when We wake Heaven & Hell is coming with Us and through Us

Dearly Beloved

Sacred Sol

You are magnificence even when you are not in motion
Thou art the Sun the Next World will rotate around

I miss you
I love you
I love us

PERIODT

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