So this guy and I have been chatting for a week and a half. He was bringing up marriage and had the ability to get information out of me while playing his cards close to his chest. It was a real struggle to get him to say anything about himself. His FB page was even locked up tight so I had nothing.
I became really uncomfortable.

I told him we weren’t compatible, I’m uncomfortable and I am not ready for a serious relationship. He proceeded to push back on my no really hard. I never met this man in person, never heard his voice and have only been in conversation with him over FB messenger.

Had to block him because his push back made me really anxious. I spent a little bit of the day worried that he may try to find me because I catastrophize everything. This whole situation had me realizing a few things about how I really am not ready to date again. In a week and a half I started falling into old patterns of shifting to suit someone and silencing parts of myself.

This behavioral pattern comes from decades of trying to get my mother to love me, see me, and treat me with care. The first kind of love I had ever known was conditional and physically/emotionally violent. I had to become a shapeshifter to keep myself safe. I had to earn affection.

I have brought this way of thinking and moving into so many relationships with both friends and lovers.

I’m sick of what it does to me and those I share love with. I feel broken because of how much I am affected by what other people think of me and the constant unnecessary quest to earn affection, safety and love as if it were some kind of life sustaining mana that I am desperate for.

It’s silly.

It’s like a fish in the ocean asking for water. I am constantly and consistently surrounded by affection, safety and love. I am reminded of it daily.

I’m a bit horrified that even with this “knowing” I am STILL engaging in trauma influenced behavior, but I am also proud of me for catching myself before it became a situation. So there’s that.