Him: ( after 2 months of relative of silence) bonjour renie! how have u been? i am with a bisexual female friend who likes your pics. She is from France, i would to introduce you to her

Me: lol… no.

I really wish I could be angrier about this one!  There is this nonchalance about it normally associated with inviting someone you know quite well over for a cup of tea.

Him:  I have this new imported tea from France.  You should come try it.

Me:  I love tea!  I’ll be right over.

But this was totally not the situation.  I’ve never met this guy in person.  He hooked me into an OKCupid conversation two months ago claiming he was new to poly and wanted to know if there were any support groups.  He asked me out and I responded by saying that as a result of a few dates with some boundary pushing jackasses I was an indoor kid.  He wished me well and said that I should press charges and that he would give me space to do what I needed to do.

Five days later (because that is totally enough time to get over an assault amiright or amiright) he asks me if I am going to any sexy fun events and if I would like to party with him.  I don’t respond.  So two months later when I get this gem I just couldn’t.  I laughed so hard I had to roll down the window of the car I was in.  My friend (who was driving) thought there was something wrong with me.

First- If you are going to invite me to a random threesome capitalize my goddamn name

Second- Names…maybe give me the name of this French female bisexual friend.  Without a name she sounds like exactly what she and undoubtedly I am to you… a walking set of holes for a good time

Third- Stop mistaking poly for swinging.

Fourth- Don’t invite me to a threesome with a bisexual woman… you will be going home to lay on your stomach because your butt will be painfully hurt when we utterly ignore you in pursuit of higher pleasure.

Brotards… consider yourselves warned.