How I really feel

I can’t sleep
My throat is closing up and it’s because I have been holding back things that I have really wanted to say.  A part of me wants to be objective about this thing but I bigger part of me is saying fuck it.
I really can’t afford to get sick again
So I’m just gonna go ahead and say how I really feel.


You are indeed an asshole.  Actually you are the crowned king of all assholes you manipulative, vindictive, jack ass.  You self absorbed shit head.

I hate you
I actually hate you
and I hate that you are still here, that you still affect me.

I want you gone
I want you out of my head
I want you out of my body
I want you out of my spirit

I can’t believe it took me this long to realize how abused I was, how misshapen I was, how fucked I was.
I can’t believe it took me this long to become angry

I was sick sick sick.  You were this cancerous thing and what I let you do to me dear sweet goddess what I let you do to me, with me is unforgivable.

I’m scarred and damaged and forever changed
you sick fuck.

I had to relearn to cry
I had to relearn to scream
I had to relearn to feel
I had to jump start my system with painful extremes and electric shocks… literally.  Like fucking literally.

I want you to feel everything I felt.  I want to put you through that hell you fashioned for me with your own hands and  the worse thing… the scary thing is that I don’t even feel sorry for feeling that way.  You probally won’t though.  You’ll never understand or accept responsibility for what happened and I have to learn to be okay with that.

Congratulations asshole….
You broke me.
You murdered me so thoroughly that I had to start me all over again.
I’m better, stronger, faster lol… I love who I am today but damn it should not have happened this way.

I’m going hiking.  I’m going into the hills and I’m taking this thing that I have in my hand with me.  And when I reach a spot high enough, wide enough, wild enough I’m gonna scream.  Until I can’t speak, until I can’t whimper. Ohhhhhhhh I’m gonna curse epic profanities until they echo into nothingness, I’m gonna beat the ground until my hands ache and I’m covered in sweat  and then I’m gonna toss it into the abyss and pretend its you, and your lies, and that cage you put me in.

And when I come back
I’m getting some therapy

I’m pissed that I can’t send you the fucking bill!!!!

This year I’m giving myself the best birthday gift I can imagine.
A life free of you.
A me free of you.

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